Totally Not a Crackfic
by FandomsForeva
Summary: Percy is abandoned by all of his friends. Betrayed by Annabeth. And so, in all of his manly anger, he goes to join Chaos...yeah, in case you couldn't tell, this is totally a parody! One half parody, one half crackfic, on half demon spawn. If you don't like my math, then don't read it. Written with TotallyNotSophia. Now COMPLETE!
1. At Goode

Annabeth supa supa awesome POV

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

I slammed my fist into the alarm clock to make it stop screaming. "Stupid alarm clock," I muttered. "Never has a good noise. I've listened to 'Beep beep!' and 'ring ring!' So many times that I had to switch to the screaming, and now it's getting really annoying. And I was having a wonderful dream about my Percy-poo, too!"

"Time for school," my bitchy stepmom called. "I made you pancakes and bought the syrup you like! Do you want me to bring you breakfast in bed?"

Ha! She's only being nice because my dad's around.

"Your dad's not here this morning so it's just going to be you and me for breakfast! Your little brothers have gone missing, but who cares?!"

Bitch.

I got dressed in a shirt with an owl on it, super short Jean shorts that said 'FABULOUS DAUGHTER OF ATHENA' on them, and pulled on grey converse. No, it's not like I'll tip off any monsters of my identity!

I walked out of mah house and next door into Goode. Did I mention that Goode is right next door to my house now! My boyfriend Percy teleported it to San Francisco.

 _-flashback-_

 _"Annabeth, OMG WE SHOULD TOTES LIVE TOGETHERNESS!" Said Percy in never ending caps lock._

 _"Oh my gods you're right!" I squealed back. But Goode is in New York!"_

 _"I'll move it," said Percy. "With my amazing powers..._

 _-flashback within the flashback-_

 _"Because y'all saved us," Zeus proclaimed in a powerful voice, "y'all are gods now, and y'all get no choice in this." After Zeus was all manly, Hera looked into Annabeth's eyes and wiggled her majestic eyebrows in a threatening manner. "Percy, you will be the god of awesomeness and cats. Annabeth, you will be da god of bitches. Finally Marc you-"_

 _Percy interrupted Zeus. "who da efffff is Marc?!_

 _"OMG never mind." Zeus said. "I'm just foreshadowing. Marc, you will be the god of brutally murdering people."_

 _Annabeth and I jumped for joy._

 _-end of flashback within flashback-_

 _"Kk" I said. "You should totes move Goode to California! PERCYSNOOPLERDOODLEKINS I CAN SEE YOU EVERYDAY!"_

 _-end of flashback-_

I walked into Goode swaying my hips in a way that made all the boys screech like patriotic bald eagles with desire.

My homing sense led me to where Percy was. I'm just that amazing. I stopped in front of an empty classroom.

I opened the door and saw my Percypoo kissing another girl. I threw her of him and into a door so hard her neck cracked. "PERCY I SAW YOU KISSING ANOTHER GIRL. WHAT HAPPENED?!" "I don't know Annababe," he whispered in a smexy manner, "all I know is that she kissed me and I couldn't push her off for my arms had become weak, they had turned into noodles." He held up is spaghetti arm for emphasis.

"I'M SO SORRY MY PERCYPOO, THAT MUST HAVE BEEN TERRIBLE!" I screeched.

"Thank you for understanding my Annababe," he smoothly said. He reached out to hug me, however his spaghetti arms would not move in the direction he wanted them to. They suddenly became human flesh again. "Thanks Annababe!" He cried.

"Come on," I said. "We have to go to Gods and Goddesses club. Don't you love how Goode has that during the school day?"

Percy's manly POV

We went into the room that held the Gods and Goddesses club all day. We decided not to go to class, the teachers would understand. They love Annabeth.

Finally, the school day was over. Finally, we're getting to the actual plot!

Annabeth's super smart POV

Out front were our pegasi. No one ever noticed them. Dumb mortals!

Percy helped me onto mine. It was grey with silver stripes, or possibly silver with grey stripes. Its wings changed colors like a bad 2000s graphic. It had silver eyes with golden flecks, and no pupils whatsoever. For some reason, pupils are never mentioned in these stories. I guess we're all half demon or something.

" _Damn it!" One author screamed at the other. "No breaking the fourth wall!"_

I looked at Percy's pegasus. It was pure sea green with natural gold spots. I guess that means it's not pure sea green. Its wings were hot pink butterfly wings with flames on them. Its eyes were pure black; it was also half demon.

Suddenly, my step mom poked her head out of one of the house. "Annabeth! Do you want some fresh chocolate chip cookies? I made your favorite recipe!"

"Shut it, bitch!" I cried, finally free to voice my opinion. "Percy and I are going back to New York and Camp Half-Blood, which is on Long Island, zip code 11930! It's a giant secret that I probably shouldn't be screaming for the world to hear!"

"But Annabeth," my stepmom yelled benevolently back, "I love you! I want to take the place of a real mom in your life! Plus, Percy inconvenienced people for you when he moved Goode across the country! Surely you don't want to waste that!"

"I know what you're really like!" Percy screeched in a manly manner. "Don't talk to Annabeth like that, Annabeth's stepmom! What's your name again?"

We flew on our pegasi into the sunset. Except it was only 3:15 in the afternoon. In spring. Whatever.

"We totally showed her, Percypoo!" I laughed.

"Yeah, Annababe!"

Our pegasi flew through a plot hole and suddenly, we were only a mile away from Camp Half-Blood!

But oh no! They suddenly stopped in midair!

"What's going on?" Percy asked.

It whinnied back to him.

"They're out of gas," Percy translated. "Oh no!"

We were so close to Camp, yet so far. Suddenly, there was a giant cliff in front of us! We were going to crash! On the cliff was the word "hanger." Damn it, a cliffhanger!

And suddenly, our pegasi flew upwards again. They landed on the ground outside of Camp Half-Blood.

"I gassed your pegasi in midair so that you would survive," said a smexy voice.

I turned around. Standing there was a man, glorious man-locks flowing in the wind.

"My name is..."

 **End Chapter**

" _OMG!" an authoress squealed. "I think that chapter was very good!"_

" _Please review," said the other._


	2. What is Going On?

And now, a brief clip from the first chapter...aw, screw it, I'm too lazy for that.

Annabeth's betraying POV

"Marc Douchebag," the boy said, luscious man-hair flowing in the wind. He had eyes greener than Percy's, hair longer, blacker, and more luscious than Percy's, and muscles more defined than Percy's. "That's pronounced 'Dush-bog.' It's German. It means, 'ultra-manly douchebag.'"

I sighed. German. How sexy!

"Yeah?" Percy said, looking mad. "Well, my middle name is 'Dudemeister.' That means, 'Master of Dudes!'"

"Ookay..." said Marc Douchebag. "Anyway, I'm new."

"Alright," said Percy, looking bored. "Whatever. I'm Percy. I'm sure you know that. This is my Annababe. I don't like you."

"Um...we just met," said Marc.

"I DON'T LIKE YOU!" screeched Percy in an undignified manner.

Marc, who was very sexy, and very attractive, looked weirded out. He ended up shrugging. How mature!

"So, like, Marc," I said in a sultry voice, "how old are you?"

"18," he replied.

I gasped in amazedness.

Percy glared at me.

"What?" I asked. "Everyone knows the ladies love older guys."

"Who's your parent?" Percy spat, hugging me. I allowed him to continue hugging me, if only so that I could crush all of his dreams and love later on...wait, where did that thought come from?

"Poseidon," Marc answered.

"Wait," Percy said. "Wouldn't that make you the prophecy kid?"

"IDK," Marc replied. "Gah! Chatspeak! Don't you hate it when that pops up? And in any case, you really want to talk to me about the logic of these stories? But since you insist on being a party pooper and demanding the briefest coinciding with the canon universe..." There was a brief pop.

"I'm 17 now," Marc said. "Your twin. Happy?"

I gasped.

Percy glared at me. That looked slightly uncomfortable, as he had to turn his head 180 degrees since he was hugging me tightly.

"What?" I asked. "Everyone knows that the ladies love guys who are almost exactly their age."

Percy turned to glare at Marc, green eyes meeting even greener ones. Marc shrugged and walked away backwards, eyes trained on me.

Percy's betrayed POV

Marc stared at Annabeth as he walked away. Then, he backed into a tree. I burst into laughter. Annabeth whimpered. Wait, was Marc the name of the new God of Brutally Murdering People? Oh, whatever. I'm sure that it was Max or something.

"Annabeth! He made a fool of himself!" I said, hopping into the air in joy. I hugged her tightly. "Love me! Love me!"

Annabeth wrenched herself out of my grip. Wait, my awesomeness and cat powers were telling me something. There was something going on between Marc and Annabeth. Some kind of...unresolved sexual tension. Eh, whatever. Probably nothing. It won't matter anyway. My Annababe loves me.

"Annababe! You love me right!?" I shrieked.

Annabeth shrugged and made an "eh" noise while picking at her nails.

"DO YOU HEAR THAT, MARC DEESH-BOOOGE? SHE LOVES ME, NOT YOU!"

Marc burst into tears. "It's pronounced 'Dush-bog!'" He ran off.

"Why did you do that?" Annabeth asked me. "So un-manly of you."

"Annababe," I sighed, "he's a douchebag. His name is attempting to characterize him to all of the readers that couldn't tell."

" _Quit breaking the fourth wall!" an author screeched._

Annabeth went to comfort Marc, who was sobbing in the corner of the non-existent room.

I went back to my cabin, leaving Marc and Annabeth with their unresolved sexual tension. I'm sure that nothing will come of it. Marc's stuff was in one of the bunks. He seemed to have kept all of his stuff confined in one area, whereas mine was all over the cabin. What a douchebag!

 **TWO HOURS LATER...**

Marc and I went to the dining hall together. The entire time, he tried to ask me questions about my quest and complimented me on my hair. What a douchebag.

We sat down at the Poseidon table. Having company was terrible. I preferred being alone, despite the fact that my canon character likes having friends. A random camper stood up.

"We'd like to welcome back our favorite camper from an unknown mission!" they called out.

Trying to survive at Goode was definitely dangerous, between not going to class, Annabeth's stepmom baking us cookies (they were totally poisoned despite me eating several hundred of them and not dying) and everyone loving me.

"Marc Douchebag!" the random camper called, "back from saving Chicago from angry _venti!_ "

Marc stood up. "Thank you, unknown character," he said. "I'm glad to be back. I sure do love this place, I've been here my whole life!"

I was getting fed up. "How come I've never seen him?" I yelled.

Everyone shrugged.

 **AT THE CAMPFIRE, USING A BLATANT AND ANNOYING TIME SKIP...**

We were all eating marshmallows, when suddenly Clarisse barreled into the middle of the clearing where everyone could see her.

"MY SPEAR IS BROKEN!" she screamed. "I KNOW IT'S YOUR FAULT, PERCY DUDEMEISTER JACKSON!"

"How could I have broken it?" I cried, standing up. "I only just got here? I was too busy with my difficult mission of being loved!"

"Actually, it was me," interjected Marc Douchebag. "I tripped over it and it hit a rock, breaking it in half."

The girls in the Aphrodite cabin squealed. "OMG MARC, YOU'RE SO NOBLE AND HONEST!" Drew said.

"Don't try to take the rap for Jackson," Clarisse said. "I know he did it, despite the fact that I have no evidence and apparently love him or something like that."

"Look, Clarisse," I started.

"Shut up, Jackson!" she screeched. "You broke it! You broke my electric spear, Maimer the 17th! It's not like I can get another electric spear!"

"WAIT!" Someone yelled. "We almost forgot the daily breakup session! Time to embarrass your soon-to-be-former significant other! Any takers?"

"Yes," said Piper, standing up. "Jason. Grace. Brother to Thalia Grace. Defeater of Krios. Former Praetor of the Twelfth Legion. Bro of Percy Jackson and Boring Frank, borer of everyone..."

She continued for another few minutes. Finally, she finished.

"And I saw you kissing Brickina the Brick in your cabin! You were cheating on me! With a brick! How dare you?"

"Piper, you don't understand! Brickina just understands me better than you do, or ever will!" Jason replied. "You know what? I promised Brickina the Brick that I would break up with you tonight! We're through!"

"NOOOOOOO!" Piper wailed, despite the fact that she was originally going to break up with him. "I thought you were the one, Jason! Jacey-poo, I loved you!"

She turned towards me. "This is all your fault, Percy!"

"Wait, what?" I said. "How is this my fault?"

"Yeah, how is it his fault?" Marc said.

"SHUT UP, MARC! You're such a douchebag! Even though you're standing upp for me!" I screamed.

"I know that this is your fault somehow," said Piper. "Give me a minute to think." She thought for about five minutes.

"Oh! I know! If you had never gotten kidnapped, then we never would have gone to New Rome, and Jason never would have gotten hit by the Brick!"

Piper ran off into the darkness, crying. Jason went towards his cabin.

"Nice going, Percy," said Katie Gardner. Or was it Gardiner? There's so many different spellings of her last name in fanfiction...

" _Shut up!" said an authoress. "No breaking the fourth wall! This is the second time, Percy!"_

"You broke up an OTP," Miranda, Katie's second-in-command said. "I loved Jiper."

Everyone else broke into chatter, thinking of reasons that I was bad. What is happening? Why does everyone hate me suddenly?

"PERCY, YOU STARTED THE WAR WITH KRONOS!"

"IT'S ALL A CONSPIRACY THEORY!"

"PERCY YOU DESTROYED THE WILD!" Grover yelled.

Even Grover was yelling at me! My best friend, who I'd ignored for the past years!

A guy from the cabin of the god of popularity came up to me. "I'm sorry, Mr. Jackson. I'm going to have to remove your Dudemeister status. Hand in your badge."

No! Everyone was turning on me! But at least I still have my Annababe.

"Yeah, about that, Percy..."

"Wait, how are you reading my thoughts?"

"Just shut up and let me dot dot dot..."


	3. A Proposal Gone Wrong

_**Responding to reviews:**_

 _ **TOTESNOTAMARYSUE420: OMG!111! STORY IS TOTES AMAZING! IT'S A GREAT SERIOUS FANFICTION. Will you write about my OTP PerSeaweed (Percy x seaweed, it's canon)**_

 _Sure._

 _ **haterhateranon: This story is awesome.**_

 _Thanks._

 _ **Guest: This story is so stupid. It would never happen in the canon universe. Reread the books and get a life.**_

 _You keep telling yourself that._

Percy's manly upset POV

Somehow, everyone hated me. They had even taken away my Dudemeister status. That blow was worst of all. Marc tried to comfort me when we got back to our cabin. I punched him in the face. What a douchebag!

"All you're ever gonna be is mean," I started singing. I have a beautiful voice. Screw canon.

At least I still had Annababe. And my status as the God of Awesomeness and Cats. But mostly Annababe.

I decided that I would propose to Annabeth on the beach tomorrow night. She would be my rock in these turbulent times. The Goddess of Bitches and the God of Awesomeness and Cats...what glorious children we would have.

I kept a wedding ring in my pillowcase just in case I ever wanted to spontaneously propose to anyone. I'm just that prepared. Next to the ring was my handy sword, Riptide. Suddenly, it teleported back to my pocket. Now I was very uncomfortable.

I eventually went to sleep.

 _-Start dream-_

 _I was in a dark room. Alone. All alone._

 _Oh, wait. I wasn't alone. There was a man standing across from me. He had turbulent features and was wearing robes that had galaxies on them._

 _I somehow knew who it was. "Chaos."_

" _Percy Jackson. My assassin, or maidservant, or general, or whatever you want to be. 'Sup?"_

" _I'm doing good, Chaos," I said. I couldn't control my own words. I felt as though this terrifying figure would destroy me. And what did he call me? His...assassin? That actually wasn't a bad idea. I would totally get my Dudemeister status back. Since I didn't have that as my middle name anymore, I had to change my middle name to Achilles!_

" _Coolio," the figure-Chaos-replied. "Just telling ya, we need to meet up to discuss our budget. I'm thinking that we should have a barbeque."_

Then, I woke up.

I looked around the cabin. I couldn't shake the feeling that Chaos was still with me, somehow, despite the fact that he was only a concept. I looked at my definitely banned digital clock. It was midnight.

I decided to go for a walk on the beach. I know that it was midnight and everything, but it's never too late for a walk on the beach! Especially in time to see my girlfriend cheating on me! Wait, what? Where did that come from?

" _Stop foreshadowing!" an authoress cried. "We want the fact that Annabeth is cheating on him to be a surprise for all of our loyal readers, and surprising enough that all of the flamers will be shocked into silence!"_

" _Do you ever wonder if our readers can hear this?" The other asked, changing the subject._

" _No."_

" _But-"_

" _No. Just no."_

Like I said, it was after midnight. But don't worry, the cleaning harpies never eat anyone anymore. Screw canon.

I also decided that I would propose to Annabeth right now. It would give us a wonderful sense of unity, and get her away from that awful Marc Douchebag and his luscious flowing man-locks that were the deepest shade of ebony.

I walked out of my cabin, not even noticing that Marc Douchebag wasn't there. I'm very unobservant. Screw canon.

Even though it was after midnight and the cleaning harpies were out, there were like seven campers who were wandering around. They were literally just wandering in circles. They didn't really have names or lives, they just wandered around until giving a main character a vital piece of exposition or plot.

One of those characters, Annabeth's brother Malcolm, bumped into me. "Oh, hey, Percy," he said, looking uncomfortable.

"Hello, Malcolm, brother to my girlfriend," I said. "It's nice to see you. Don't you think my hair looks good?"

Malcolm looked down. "Look, Percy...in addition to providing a plot point, I'm here to characterize how no one likes you any more. So I'll just say this: talking to you now that you've lost your Dudemeister status makes me uncomfortable. I don't care that you're dating my sister Annababe."

"First of all, Malcolm, DON'T CALL HER ANNABABE! It's disrespectful. Second of all, screw you! I hate you! You're a meanie! Say what you have to say and leave me alone!"

Malcolm continued looking down, now crying.

"Sorry, Malcolm," I said, being apologetic in a manly way. "Can you just tell me where Annababe is?"

"Didn't you just- oh, whatever. She's at the beach. But I don't think you want to see her now..."

And satisfied that he had provided his plot piece, he wandered off.

(2 hours later, he was eaten by a cleaning harpy.)

I went to the beach, and was taken aback by a horrible sight.

My Annabeth and Marc Douchebag were kissing! I KNEW that he was a douchebag!

"Annababe! What are you doing?!" I squealed in a manly way.

Annabeth saw me and her eyes widened. She stood up, pulling up Marc Douchebag with her. Marc's hair flew around him in the wind, now a shade of dark mahogany. Wasn't it black last chapter? Oh, whatever.

Annabeth brushed off her legs, as they were covered in sand. She was wearing shorts that barely went an inch down her legs. In giant block letters, they said, "FABULOUS CHEATER WHO DOES NOT REGRET ANYTHING OUT OF LIFE, AT ALL, EXCEPT FOR AT ONE POINT DATING PERCY JACKSON, WHO JUST LOST HIS DUDEMEISTER STATUS."

"Look, Percy," said Marc, looking uncomfortable.

"NO! SHUT UP! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! ANNABETH, WHAT WERE YOU DOING?"

"Wasn't it obvious?" Annabeth said. "I was kissing your brother. And having a good time, too. Duh."

"But...but...Annababe!" I started.

"Don't ever call me Annababe again! It's disrespectful! Why can't you understand that, Percy? I don't like you, at all!"

At this, I broke into tears. "Annabeth, he's like, 13 in this chapter!"

"So? You know the ladies secretly love a younger man."

"And he's like, 3 feet tall!"

"Actually," Marc interjected, "I'm actually 6 feet tall. It's just a trick of the light. Tilt you head slightly."

I tilted my head. Oh.

"But Annabeth!" I continued. "I was about to propose to you! I love you!"

Annabeth now looked guilty and rushed over to me. **(AN: Is it just me, or at this point is Annabeth always regretful? Also, don't you hate this AN in the middle of a chapter?)** "Percy!" She cried. "You...you were?"

"Do you now regret cheating on me?" I tearfully asked. She was acting so remorseful...

"Nah," she answered. "I was just briefly considering what it would be like to be married to you but still doing it with Marc. It would be like...the Real Housewives of Camp Half-Blood!"

And with that, she walked over to Marc and grabbed his hand.

"Sorry, Percy," Marc said in a manly way. "I don't quite understand what's going on, but two girls with machine guns showed up and threatened to kill me if I didn't go with it."

" _Shut up!" One of the authoresses hissed. "We told you not to mention that!"_

Marc looked up. "Did you guys hear anything...no? Well, anyway, I'll miss you."

And with that, he and Annabeth skipped down the side of the beach. I started crying.

Then, a majestic figure teleported in front of me. He was wearing swirling robes that had galaxies on them. He was...Chaos. I knew this somehow.

" **Percy..."** he said. He was talking in bold! That's how I knew to trust him. " **Do you want to come with me? I'll give you supa-awesome powers and make you my assassin, or apprentice, or handmaid, or something.**

I was amazed at the offer. "Sure, I guess," I said.

" **Great," said Chaos. "I really need someone to manage to budget. I can't even afford to rent a planet to hold my army on."**

"Cool..." I said questioningly. "So, should I just go with you?

" **Yeah. I'll give you your powers now. Meet me in an hour."**

"Um...where?"

" **You know where."**

And with that, he teleported away. He was right. I _did_ know where.

So I teleported after him, ready to begin my new life.

But first, I went and danced on Malcolm's mangled corpse.


	4. Badly Placed Exposition

_**ISABELLAISBETTERTHANYOURMUM: Lolzor i totes love this and as a mary sue i totes approve this totes serious story.**_

 _Thanks, and how do you do you know that you're better than my mom?_

 _ **CHEESELOVERAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY: I love percabeth. This sucks, here in the wild lands of the northern Australian Outback we don't simply not ship percabeth, you loser muffin.**_

 _Oh yeah? You're the loser muffin! #notalosermuffin_

 _ **Zac Bon QuiQui: AYYYYYYYYYYYY LOSER MUFFIN! AS SOMEONE WHO IS CLASSY AF! I SAY THAT THIS STORY IS LIIIIKEEEEEE WIERD AND LOSER MUFFIN LIKE!11!1!1!**_

 _#notalosermuffin. READ THE ABOVE!_

 **Chapter 4: Badly Placed Exposition**

In the beginning, there were 11 elements. Not 4, like in Avatar: The Last Airbender or in most stories. Not 5, like in W.I.T.C.H. or the rest of fanfiction. Not 118, like there are on the current elemental table.

Nay, 11. Purely for _this one goes to 11_ reasons.

 _Water._

Master Pakku jumped out of nowhere and bent a thing of water at the screen.

 _Earth._

An earthbender kicked a rock.

 _Fire._

After an amazing pyrotechnics display, the unlucky firebender pulled a muscle in his leg and lay on the ground, moaning in pain.

 _Air._

A guy fell out of the sky and used his glider to create a tornado.

 _Pigs._

A bunch of pigs fell out of the sky, knocking out the firebender who was still lying on the ground. Sokka cheered.

 _Cats._

A tsunami of cats rolled out of the ocean into a village, crushing everyone.

 _Boron._

The authoresses looked around, trying to figure out what to do for this one.

 _Carbon._

A Carbonmaster pulled around a human being, since carbon is one of the essential building blocks of a human.

 _Standardized Tests._

A Testmaster shot a standardized test out of his hand, and hit an enemy with it. He was killed, as the test was made out of paper. Seriously, people.

 _Locker Locks._

A kleptomaniac opened the combination locks on many different lockers, pulling anything desirable out of them and putting those things in his backpack. Closer inspection revealed a banana, a pair of shoes, an ugly gym uniform, a watch, and a Spanish book.

 _Miscellaneous._

The most feared element of them all. The most talented people in the world could master 10 elements, but only one person could master all 11, including miscellaneous.

The assassin/apprentice/handmaiden of Chaos. The person who saved the world from anything, including but not limited to Titans, Giants, Monsters, and people Misusing Public Funds.

But when the world needed him most...

Aw, screw that. The world didn't need him at all. The other demigods did a fine job taking care of those problems. It just sounds cooler.

But then, he died.

For a thousand years, Chaos did not take a new assassin/apprentice/handmaiden to master the element of miscellaneous. No, Chaos is much too cool to just take the first person that shows up. Also, there wasn't room in the budget. So who will the next one be?

Really, I'm guessing that you all know. Because these authors aren't anything if they aren't good at uselessly foreshadowing.

Hopefully, after reading this Badly Placed Exposition, you understand the world that this is in better.

Farewell, dear readers. Go die in a hole, flamers. That's all for today.


	5. A Treehouse and A Coffee Klatch

_**HEYHEYHEYLOSERMUFFIN: Hey loser muffin, what's life like as a loser muffin.**_

 _WHY IS EVERYONE CALLING US LOSER MUFFINS?_

 _ **UNIRONICYOLO: YOLO!**_

 _UMMM? Not a review, but okay!_

 _ **COMICSANS: LOLZOR! Out here on the Russian Outback, you do not write fanfiction, fanfiction writes you.**_

 _Okay?..._

Percy's Manly Assassin/Handmaiden-like POV

I teleported to the place where Chaos was, the bottoms of shoes still dripping with Malcolm's blood. Somehow I knew where Chaos was. It was my ultra-manly supersense. I was still slightly crying, as I couldn't believe Annabeth had cheated on me. I inconvenienced people for her!

"Heeeeyyy, Chaos!" I exclaimed in a manly manner. We were in the middle of space. I could see Earth, but it was very far away. Somehow I was breathing.

" **Yooooo, Percy!** " Chaos replied. He seemed like a cool guy, despite the fact that he was the lord of everything. Eh, who cares? Screw canon.

"Nice to see you here. Is this where the Chaos army meets?" I asked. Somehow I knew that Chaos had an army, which protected people from Titans, Giants, Monsters, and people Misusing Public Funds.

" **Oh! No,"** Chaos said. " **There's no way we could afford a planet to train on, let alone an extra-dimensional pocket. Our budget only allows for so much. Most of the people reading these stories are flamers who don't give money, and the ones who love these stories are dirt poor. They can't even afford dirt."**

"So where do we hang out?" I asked.

" **Where do we hang out?"** He thundered in a powerful voice full of bold. " **Where do we hang out? We hang out at the Chaos Treehouse (TM), of course! We had to go there after Batman kicked us out of the Batcave."**

"Wow!" I exclaimed. "A Chaos treehouse! I always wanted one of those!"

" **It's a sign that you are an honorable person,"** Chaos said gravely. " **So few children wish for Chaos treehouses nowadays. They lose their faith in my existence. Quite sad, actually. It is my hope that your joining me will provide more publicity. Otherwise, we'd have to put ads in the newspaper. Do you have any idea how much those cost? You know that we only have, like, five dollars in the budget, right?"**

"Sure," I hastily said. I didn't want to get blasted.

We disappeared in a puff of darkness. Where do those go after we disappear? Whatever. We never seemed to stay long enough to figure it out.

" **So Persassius,** " he said after we were sitting down, crosslegged on the floor of the Chaos Treehouse (TM), " **you need like, a super cool codename!** "

"Hmmm, what about Vortex?"

" **Hmmm, Like soymilk in a hot cofee. Mysterious yet ever so implying. I like it.** " He replied in all bold.

" **Now, it's time to meet the rest of the army."**

 _Annabeth's POV (HAHAHA I BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING YOU LOSER MUFFINS!)_ **(Every fanfiction ever uses this at one point. And you always saw it coming. Also, don't you just HATE this AN in the middle of the fic?)**

Me and Marc kissed. I tried not to think about Percy. And why would I think about him? Percy was ugly compared to my Marci-poo. His hair was nothing compared to Marc's glorious man-locks, which had lightened to a shade of brown. Weren't they black at one point? Oh, whatever.

"Oooh...I love you Marc," I sighed as we made out.

"Yeah. Love you too, Annabeth," Marc said, as if slightly wierded out. I wonder why?

"CALL ME ANNABABE!" I ordered him. "Our relationship is nothing if we don't have that term of endearment!"

"Isn't that disrespectful?" Marc asked.

"OMG MARC LIKE I EVEN CARE!" I exclaimed. Sigh. Sometimes, I feel like my relationship with Marc isn't perfect...

 _Marc's douchy POV_

What is going on? All I wanted was to be an OC in the canon universe. But then I got sucked into this world, and nothing is going my way! My hair is constantly changing color! So is my age! And then, I had to hurt my brother by kissing his girlfriend! And my every view is in check by those evil girls who call themselves authoresses...

" _Hush, Marc-Marc," the authoress known as MarySue134 said._

" _Yes...all we need is for you to be good so that we get reviews..." the other, known as NOT A TROLL! hissed with a glint in her eye._

" _Reveal anything, and I'll feed you to the werewolf," said MarySue134._

They're really creepy...I mean, cute! Heh heh heh! Hopefully they can't hear my nervous laughter.

I hope I get out of this okay...

 _Annabeth's POV_

Yeah, so me and Marc kept kissing. We were sitting on the beach. I was wearing a pink bikini. The bottom read, GODDESS OF BITCHES AND DON'T YOU EVER FORGET IT LOSER MUFFINS! in huge block letters. Each letter was about an inch wide. How it fit on my bikini was beyond me, but I wasn't going to argue.

"Camp sure is getting boring without Percy," Katie Gardner sighed.

"Yeah! We should start doing something cool!" cried Charlotte, leader of the Quadradia (Goddess of Quadratics and the Quadratic Equation) cabin.

"Totally!" replied Lisa, head of the cabin of Linea (Goddess of the Linear Equation).

"I think I know what to do," said Imani, who led the Exponentia cabin. (Exponentia was the goddess of Exponential Functions.)

"What is it?" I asked.

"We should start the show 'The Real Housewives of Camp Half-Blood!'" Imani said.

"That sounds great!" The rest of us weighed in.

"And we should air it on mortal TV!" Imani continued. "I don't care that we'd reveal everything about Camp Half-Blood. It would be worth it. Totes worth it."

"Nice," I smiled. "Hey! Can I get a review of how well the show would do?"

"Well," said Jane, leader of the cabin of Popularity, "I think that it would do great, and make us a cool million in the commercials alone."

"Let's do it!" I said. I only care about the money. Apparently, I'm very greedy.

"I don't know," said Lisa. "I feel like it might give away too much about our lives."

So we sacrificed her to a werewolf. "Who needs someone from the Linea cabin, anyway?" Imani commented, as we listened to her screams.

However, we decided to take her advice, after deciding that we had been too violent. Plus, her blood had gotten everywhere! So rude of her.

"So, what should we do to have fun?" I asked with a sigh. "If we can't make a dumb TV show, then what should we do?"

"I know!" cried Imani with a scary glint in her eye. "Why don't we look up words in a dictionary?"

 **TWO HOURS LATER:**

"Well, that was quite dissimilar from a coffee klatch," Imani said.

"I accede," Jane said. "Why don't we go use the font Comic Sans in an ironic way?"

And so we did.

But...

It was not to last.


	6. Meet the Army (Part 1)

_**PARODYLOVERLOLZOR: Please tell me this is a parody or else I will become violently ill.**_

 _Cheerio good chap! It seems you have discovered our true identity._

 _ **TITAN!CAKES: You looser muffins, you don't even know what looser muffin means.**_

 _It better mean "awesome people," buddy, or else I am coming through the screen to punch you in your loser muffin face._

 _ **Logical Person: Hi, I like this story**_

 _You seem nice, how about we get together and have a nice coffee._

 _Percy's Chaos Treehouse (TM) Located POV_

Wow! I was at the Chaos Treehouse (TM). I was very excited. The Treehouse was surprisingly large, and around 500 people were squeezed into it.

"Hey, Chaos-Dude! I thought you said that we were too poor to afford something big and grand!"

" **It's true, Percy,"** said Chaos. " **We threatened a rich kid into letting us use his treehouse. It's huge enough for us to all sleep in, if we sleep in shifts. We train at the local gym."**

"Cool," I replied. "I like gyms. I get to show off my amazing abs that make the ladies swoon."

" **Well, I'll leave you to get acquainted with everyone,"** Chaos said. " **Have fun."**

He teleported away, leaving a cloud of darkness behind him. I stared at it for about 30 seconds. It didn't go anywhere. Looking around, I saw little clusters of darkness in the corners. Eventually, someone dragged the cloud of darkness off.

Suddenly, Chaos teleported back. " **I forgot to tell you. Tomorrow, you will start mastering the 11 elements: Water, Earth, Fire, Air, Pigs, Cats, Boron, Carbon, Standardized Tests, Locker Locks, and Miscellaneous."**

"Aren't there 4 elements?" I asked. "Or 5, or 118?"

" **NO! THERE ARE 11 ELEMENTS! PURELY FOR** _ **THIS ONE GOES TO 11**_ **REASONS!"**

"Um...cool," I said, mildly scared. Chaos disappeared in a cloud of darkness again. This time, the blob of darkness was immediately dragged off.

I looked around. "Hey, guys," I said. "I'm Percy, a.k.a. Vortex. Vortex like soymilk in hot coffee. Mysterious."

"We'll introduce ourselves," said a gorgeously smexy girl in the front row, wearing armor that could've passed for a bathing suit. "I'm Bone Girl, otherwise known as Bianca."

It was Bianca di Angelo! The one that died in book 3!

 _MarySue134 banged her head against the table. "Why won't they stop breaking the fourth wall?"_

"I am a PigMaster," said Bianca. "You, know, master of the element of pigs."

I nodded. Bianca went to the back of the line of people who were there to introduce themselves.

Next, I saw a girl with dark brown hair in a glorious braid. "I am Huntress," she said. " known as Zoe Nightshade." She kissed me on the lips. We made out.

"Will you be my girlfriend?" I asked. I totally have to ask that after she made out with me. I also think that having a manly rebound would be cool...

"Oh hell yes," she answered. "At first, I wasn't sure, even though I made out with you. But you're pretty hot." She then linked our arms and stood next to me as the introductions continued.

"I...am Scar," said a blonde boy. It was Luke! We fist bumped. I can't believe that he's alive! And I think it's totally cool that he chose a name from Lion King, otherwise known as the Best Disney Movie Ever. It just proves that he's not a bad guy. "I'm a TestMaster."

"I'm Archer," said another blond. "Otherwise known as Lee Fletcher. I'm a AirMaster. For no particular reason."

We fist bumped too! I'm just so cool!

"I'm Wine Dude! A.K.A Castor. We'll have lots of friendly arguments over who is more cool with. You'll win, and I'll gracefully concede," said Wine Dude, a.k.a. Castor.

I didn't remember who he was at all. "Who are you again?"

Castor sighed. "I died in the Battle of the Labyrinth, at the hands of an enemy demigod. Duh."

"Did you just 'duh' me?" I asked.

"Yeah, did you 'duh' him?" Zoe added.

Castor ran away.

"Hi, I'm Josh."

"Oh, so you used your real name? Cool!" I replied.

"Oh, no. I'm Michael Yew!" He answered. "I can't believe you didn't recognized me! I mean, I, like, totally saved your life in the Battle of the Bridge."

"I'm just incredibly selfish," I replied. "But here, have a fist bump as compensation."

We fist bumped. "I'm also a CatMaster," he added. Then he ran to the back of the line.

"I'm Stone," said the next guy. I couldn't place him.

"So, who are you actually?" I asked.

"Don't you recognize me? I know that I'm only mentioned, like, twice in the entire series, but I'm still one of the only satyrs that are ever named."

"No," I said. "I'm still not getting it."

He sighed. "I'm Uncle Ferdinand, of course!"

"Who?"

"Never mind." Uncle Ferdinand returned to the back of the line.

"Wait!" I called. "What are you master of?"

"Nothing!" Uncle Ferdinand called back. "I'm a satyr, so I don't get any special powers."

"Nice," I responded.

"No! Not nice!" Uncle Ferdinand said. "It's unfair!"

"BUDDY, IF I SAY IT'S NICE, IT'S NICE!"

Uncle Ferdinand looked slightly shocked, and scared. "Um, okay. It's nice, Mr. Jackson, sir." He ran away.

It was easy to tell who the next person was. It was a girl who had gorgeous blue eyes. She was beautiful, pretty, gorgeous, alluring, cute, good-looking, fetching, sexy, and many more adjectives that I will not bother writing down. It was Silena Beauregard!

"Hey, Peeeeerrcccccy," she [sexy word for said]. "How you doinnng?"

"Fine," I said. "Why are you talking like that?"

"I haaaavvve ssssticky keeeyyyboad sssssyndome…" Silena bit her lip in a sexy manner. "Pluuussss, it maakkkeeeess meeeee seeem moooorrreeee seexxxyy."

"Okay. Talking to you is annoying me. Bye."

"Whoa, dude," said the next guy. "I know you didn't just call my girlfriend annoying."

"Wait...girlfriend...Beckendorf, it's you!" I exclaimed.

We fist bumped!

"Silena's code name is Dove. She's a FireMaster," Beckendorf explained. "I'm Anvil. I'm a LockMaster. That means I can open any combination lock in the world."

"I'm so glad you're still alive!" I exclaimed.

"Me too!" he said. "We're going to have so much fun in Chaos's army!"

The next guy to come up had an eyepatch. It was Ethan Nakamura. He slapped me!

"Dude, why did you do that?" I asked.

"I felt like it," he replied.

"Cool!" I said. And it was totally cool. Almost as cool as me!

The next person to come up to introduce himself looked like me, except for a few things. His hair was black, but less sexy and more...just messy. He also had sea green eyes. He was muscular, but not as muscular as me. If girls thought of me as gorgeously HAWT and SEXY, then they would think of him as a little cute.

"Who are you?" I asked.

"Percy Jackson," he replied.

I started laughing, and then punched the imposter in the face. "Ha ha, no. _I'm_ Percy Jackson, you loser muffin."

"No! You misunderstand me," said the imposter. "I'm Canon!Percy Jackson. I was killed due to the prevalence of badfics and Suethors in the fandom. Chaos let me join him."

"Oh. Cool. Sorry, man," I said.

Canon!Percy smiled at me. "No problem. I'm a WaterMaster, obviously."

He went to the back of the line. The next person up wasn't a person. It was a deer.

"Hello," it said. "I am Joni. I'm a deer."

"Wait," I said. "First off, it's cool that you're a deer. I'm down with that. But I thought this army, for some reason, is made up of only dead people who somehow came back to life, and human OCs. Why are you, a deer, in this army?" **(AN: Does anyone else wonder why the people in the Chaos army are constantly people who died in the canon universe? I think it's just because many of these authors can't come up with enough OCs to fill up an army. Anyway, back to the story. Also, don't you DESPISE this long AN in the middle of a fic?)**

"I know I'm not human," said Joni the deer, "but I am a dead character. Remember, back on Polyphemus's island? I was eaten by the killer sheep."

"Oh! Cool!" I said. "Well, that clears that up."

Joni made a face at me that was possibly a smile. It was hard to tell, since she was a deer. She then ran back to the end of the line.

"Well, that's all of the named dead people from the canon universe!" I said. "I suppose I'll meet the OCs later."

"Oh, we're not done yet," said Zoe. "We've got a lot more people to get through…"

And right in front of me, I saw a floating ear.

"We'll continue next chapter," said Zoe. "Stay tuned in!"

 _The authoress Not a Troll! picked up a revolver and shot Zoe in the chest. "Stop breaking the fourth wall, you loser muffin!"_

" _You know, that insult comes in handy," MarySue134 commented._

Bianca stumbled forward to take Zoe's place at my side. "I'm your girlfriend now, Percy."

 _Annabeth's Camp-Half Blood located POV_

"How did that hellhound get through camp boundaries?" Lou Ellen demanded.

"It doesn't matter," said Imani. "We can easily kill it!"

"I'll get it!" Travis Stoll volunteered.

"No, Travis! You're pregnant with my child! I'll get it!" said Katie Gardner.

 ** _To Be Continued..._**


	7. Meet the Army (Part 2)

_**HONHONHONBAGUETTE: Can you hear the scent of baguettes in the French air? This story is a great to read while I'm waiting to eat my baguettes. Simply wonderful, I love a good story. Will they be travelling to my home? I live in the mighty French outback.**_

 _Hon hon hon._

 _ **SCRUMPTIOUSSHADEOFFUCHSIA: MMMM, I love a good shade of elegant fuchsia, don't you?**_

 _Simply scrumptious._

 _ **peacerelaxyogazenteasleeplover: This story inspires me to find my inner zen in this stressful world, HEHEHEHEHE!  
**_ _You okay there?_

 _ **Logical Person: Meet up with you? Are you a stalker or something?**_

 _No!_

 _Percy's manly-ish POV_

I blinked. Zoe was still dead. Bianca was still my new girlfriend. The floating ear was still in front of me.

I decided to address Bianca first. "Wait! Bianca! What the heck just happened to my old girlfriend Zoe?"

"She...just...died," said Bianca, horrified. "And you're _Percy freaking Jackson._ You can't be girlfriend-less for even a minute. The second one of your girlfriends dies, someone will step up to take their place. How can you be a Dudemeister without a hot girlfriend?"

"You're right, Bianca-babe," I said. "That makes total sense." And within a second, I had totally forgotten Zoe Nightshade.

Next, I turned to the floating ear in front of me. "WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

It didn't speak...as it was just an ear. Literally, just an ear with a little dried blood on it. Don't ask how I knew it was dried blood, it's just one of my manly supersenses. Instead, the ear-that's going to take some getting used to-seemed to speak directly into my mind.

" _I am Ear,"_ said the ear. It had a British accent.

"Well, duh!" I exclaimed. "You're a floating ear!"

" _How did you figure out I was an ear? My code name was so mysterious!"_ Ear telepathically wondered.

"You're literally an ear!" I yelled back. "Figure it out!"

" _Sorry,"_ said Ear, embarrassed. " _Sometimes I forget that I'm literally an ear. And it doesn't help that my previous owner was a joking prankster. Sometimes I can't tell if I'm trying to trick people or not. Old habits die hard, I guess."_

"Ear is George Weasley's old ear," Bianca explained. "He's really respected around here. Chaos promoted him to general of Omega Force a few years ago."

" _That's right!"_ Ear exclaimed. " _And I wasn't exactly happy to see the bloke here, but I'm glad that if he had to die, he ended up here."_

And coming up to stand next to Ear was a redheaded boy.

"Hello," the boy said. "I'm Two-Ears. A.K.A. Fred Weasley."

"Wow!" I exclaimed. "So...this army not only has dead people from the Percy Jackson fandom, but dead people from other fandoms, too! That's awesome!"

 _Not A Troll! forcibly restrained MarySue134 from shooting Percy. "MarySue134, he's the main character! We can't kill him!"_

"It's true," said Fred Weasley. "Remus and Tonks are here too."

"I wanted to introduce myself!" said a man, who looked slightly miffed. "I can't believe you didn't let me introduce myself, loser muffin!"

"Sorry," said Fred.

" _Sorry,"_ said Ear.

"Anyway," said the man, turning to me, "I'm Werewolf. Otherwise known as Remus Lupin. And no, that nickname isn't obvious at all. Loser muffin."

"What did you just call me?" I said.

"Never mind," said Lupin. "And anyway, I'm a CarbonMaster and a FireMaster."

"And I'm CrazyGurl118," said the pink-haired woman. "Otherwise known as Tonks. I've mastered Pigs, Air, and Boron. Whatever that is."

"Cool."

"Tell Percy the story about Mad-Eye," suggested Bianca from her place at my side.

"Oooh, that's a good one," said Lupin, acting extremely out of character.

 _-Flashback-_

" _One day, there was a knock on the door of the Chaos Treehouse (TM). And through the door came the ugliest, most grizzled old man you'll ever meet._

"' _Constant vigilance!' he barked. 'That's why I should join your army. I'm an ex-auror, I can really help your cause.'_

" _Huntress and Bone Girl walked up to him. 'I'm sorry, sir,' said Bone Girl (aka Bianca). 'I'm going to have to ask you to leave.'_

"' _But...why?' Moody asked._

"' _Only attractive people are allowed in this army,' Huntress (aka Zoe) explained. 'You sir, are not attractive at all. Being attractive is one of the criteria to be in the Chaos army: you have to be a dead character from some fandom that is either attractive or not human.'_

"' _Either that or a terribly-written OC,' Bone Girl continued._

"' _So leave,' Huntress finished._

 _-End Flashback-_

"And there you have it," said Lupin. "That's why Mad-Eye Moody isn't here. He was too ugly."

"Yes. One must be at least mildly attractive to be in this army," said Bianca.

Just as she said that, I saw someone with luscious hair.

"HI! I'm SparkleFoot CrossMeandYou'llRegretItTheThird, A.K.A Lunamosamosalunarara Asdf453y-Hundbns-Wildernessa-LOL-Riverflower L'Rach-El-De'Montona the third," She said perfectly. She had luscious silvery blond hair with eyes that changed color based on the average temperature of the day. Since today's average temperature was 73 degrees, her eyes were an unnatural, bright, neon blue only created by machines. She seemed like a well rounded person, how I knew this, I didn't know. Well, I am a ridiculously overpowered character.

"I have mastered seven elements," SparkleFoot CrossMeandYou'llRegretItTheThird, A.K.A Lunamosamosalunarara Asdf453y-Hundbns-Wildernessa-LOL-Riverflower L'Rach-El-De'Montona the third said. I'll call her Sparkle for short. "What those elements are will be explained at a later time, so that they can be adapted to fit the situation."

"We've got a few more people to get through, so move over," said Tonks.

I looked to the person that was to be introduced to me next.

"I'm PlantMouth, A.K.A Jet," he said. "A CarbonMaster." PlantMouth, or Jet-whatever, I'm too awesome to know anyone's name-was wearing ragtag armor. He had extremely arched eyebrows that made him look rather angry, and a perpetual smirk on his face. In his mouth was a piece of straw, the kind that a terrible acting troupe would mistake for a flower. **(The Ember Island Players shoutout. Also, don't you hate us for putting this useless AN in the middle of a fic?)**

"I'm from the Avatarverse," Jet said. "I died fighting Long Feng and the Dai Li."

OOH, so this story wasn't just an average crossover, it involved other fandoms!  
" _PERCY, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT BREAKING THE FOURTH-"_

 _MarySue134 was interrupted by Not A Troll!._

" _SHHH, we're getting to the good part!" she whispered in excitement._

Just as I thought the terrible nicknames were over, I saw someone else. He seemed kind of… average. The thought of someone being not crazily attractive and overpowered frightened me.

"Hello," he said, "I'm Cypress, A.K.A John. I'm the accountant of the Chaos army, I manage our incredibly small budget, so I don't really fight." He said. He had dark brown hair and blue-gray eyes. He had teeth that were more off white than sparkling.

The next guy up was attractive. He had bronze-colored skin and a beautiful smile. He had thick, wavy hair, and facial features that were attractive in a very Cro-Magnon man way. I couldn't recognize him at all, although he must have been from some fandom!

" _I give up," moaned Not A Troll!_

My Powers of Observation seemed to have been turned back on, so I could notice that Bianca, Tonks, and Lupin all stiffened slightly at the sight of him. I wonder why.

"Hey," he said. "I'm Brayden. I'm from the Monument Fourteen fandom. We actually had another woman from there in the Chaos army a few months ago. I think her name was Auntie Jean, or something. We kicked her out."

"Cool," I said. It was totally cool.

"I'm not a master of anything," Brayden continued, "thanks to my severe douchiness in my own universe. I think this is my comeuppance, or something."

Ah, so he was a douchebag! That was why everyone was so uncomfortable around him. "Good to know," I replied.

"Thanks," Brayden said. "I guess. FYI, my code name is Josie'sExWhoWasADouchebag."

He turned around and strode to the back of the line.

There really couldn't have been that many fandom people left! I was getting very bored. Even though that was very rude of me. Whatever.

I will not describe the next three people who came up in detail, because I am getting bored. So are the authoresses.

" _Great!" exclaimed MarySue134. "Thanks a lot, Percy! Now Not A Troll! is going on a killing spree!"_

Anyway, the first of the next three things up was a little wrinkled thing that introduced himself as Dobby. "Dobby is a houself!" he squeaked. "But Dobby is a free elf!"

"I know he's not attractive, but he has great marketing value," Bianca whispered in my ear.

The next two were two girls who introduced themselves as Julie and Briana Morales, who had both died in the Life as We Knew it Fandom.

The authoresses gave up on making them stop breaking the fourth wall.

The, I spotted someone that made me speechless. My heart beat loudly in my chest, as saxophone music started to play quietly in the background. Suddenly, the Chaos Treehouse (TM) looked more like a swanky Italian restaurant. That's when I first saw her. Oh, wait. I already spotted her. Whatever. It sounds more dramatic.

She was gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous. I looked her up and down, taking it all in. She was skinny, but with curves in all the right places. She had all of the correct womanly parts in all of the right places. She had luscious, well endowed, perfectly round-eyebrows. She had hair so black, it was almost green. Her eyes were also green, but with some brown undertones. She wore all green. She was gorgeous. She was… the most beautiful piece of seaweed I had ever seen.

"Hello, Percy," she purred.

 _Bianca's ooc, ultra powerful and confused POV_

I was confused. Why was my Persassykins starting at that piece of seaweed so much? I could sense some kind of… sexual tension.

WAIT! Wasn't sexual tension what got Percy to join this army in the first place? Suddenly, I was afraid. What if-? NO! I couldn't think those thoughts, I had been Percy's appointed girlfriend for a whole 1.35 hours. Our love was sure to last forever.

He loved me. Right?

"PERCY, TELL ME YOU LOVE ME! YOU LOVE ME RIGHT?" I screamed in a perfect manner. Percy would surely realize he loved only me now.

"Umm, no offence Bianca, but you're kinda creeping me out a little. Make that a lot. I mean, Bianca, you are terrifying me. Someone help me! Bianca. Please. You're very scary and I am afraid," he replied in repeated, boring, weirdly phrased prose. Yup, he so totally loves me. It's obviously true love that will last forever.

 _Annabeth's weirdly placed POV_

Katie was thrown back from the hellhound, and lay on the ground, motionless.

With a look of concentration on his face, Marc lept into the air and slew-slayed? Whatever-the hellhound. So manly...

"You really couldn't kill that?" Marc looked incredulous. "With your Demeter powers and everything?"

"WHO CARES?!" Travis screamed. "I'm pregnant with Katie's child! She's my one and only! Save her!"

And so we did.


	8. To the Gym!

_**CAWCAWWWWWWWW: Hear the mighty bald eagle screech in the air. Smell the freedom of the mighty American Outback. I love this story.**_

 _And we love you, and freedom._

 _ **ChaosGlassInc.: Buy a piece of luxurious glassware from our new Mediterranean collection, available Tuesday!**_

 _OMG ARE YOU REALLY CHAOS! WE LOVE YOU!_

 _ **Guest: You guys have a pretty good grasp of grammar. But seriously, this story is pretty bad. It makes no sense. How is Travis even pregnant? And the characters are so OOC that I want to throw up.**_

 _You keep telling yourself that._

 _ **LOLZOR OMG I HEART EVERYTHING: OMG LOLZOR will you write my OC, Leilalonikikikikirarakinsomanapolaria as John's girlfriend?**_

 _NO FU JOHN IS MINE YOU LOSER MUFFIN!_

 _Percy's totally-not-failing assassin of Chaos POV_

After the introductions, Chaos came back. " **Time to go to the gym!"** he exclaimed in all bold.

Tonks grinned up at me. "Come, my Percykins," she said. "Let's go, lest we piss off Chaos."

"Wait!" I exclaimed. "Wasn't Bianca there, like, two seconds ago?"

Tonks looked slightly worried. "Well, I mean, maybe she was! But not anymore! Nope, I'm your girlfriend now!"

Cypress, a.k.a John, came up to me. "Don't you just hate how the authors of this story broke up the Tonks x Remus ship? I was really angered by it when I first came here and found Tonks dating Cedric Diggory (who was later kicked out because everyone hated him). But whenever Tonks is dating someone else, Chaos says that it's because Remus has briefly become gay and is now going out with Sirius Black."

"Coolio," I responded, but now something else was on my mind. "But didn't you just break the fourth wall by referencing the authors and outside books?"

John looked at me as if I was a loser muffin. "But Percy, the authors didn't interrupt, which means they didn't notice! When that happens, it's better to roll with the flow of the story than break the fourth wall again by calling me out on it."

"Oh yeah? Well you just broke the fourth wall again!"

"That's what I mean," said John, unruffled, "just let it go, and we can move on."

"But that's not fair!" I was tired of John acting like my manly insults didn't bother him. Normally, when I insulted someone, they broke down in tears. Very unmanly tears.

John snapped his briefcase shut. "You know what's really not fair? How I died in a car accident with a drunk driver, and then was roped into being an accountant in this terribly underfunded, terribly terrible army, while meanwhile you didn't even have to die and are getting special treatment!"

"Oh snap!" exclaimed Tonks. "He got you, Percy! You know, except for that totally overwrought run-on sentence."

"Shut up!" I said. "You're supposed to side with me, Tonks-honey! We're through!"

"I was going to break up with you anyway!" Tonks said. "I don't like my men trying to order me around!"

"Fine! We'll just break up without putting the _dumper_ and _dumpee_ label on anyone!" I said.

"That sounds good!" she said.

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"Honey," Lupin interjected, "I was going to tell you that for the purposes of this fic, I am no longer gay. Let's get remarried."

Lupin and Tonks skipped off together...around the Chaos treehouse.

Chaos looked at me for a moment. " **Well, my assassin/general/handmaid, I am proud of you! You've already been through two girlfriends in one chapter!"**

I acted very disrespectful by laughing. "Chaos-dude, that's nothing! A few of these Chaos-fics are labeled 'Percy x Harem'! You never know what's going to pop up next."

As if to illustrate my point, there was a sudden rumbling of the ground.

 _-~Powerful Motor~-_

" _DAMN YOU, PERCY!" screeched Not A Troll!. "BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL IS UNACCEPTABLE!"_

"Now she comes back!" I sighed. "I rest my case."

I started to climb down the rope ladder out of the Chaos treehouse, the rest of the army following me. When I was on the ground, I realized that there were only about twenty of us on the ground. I turned to Chaos. Something about him was...different.

I ignored that for a little while to ask him my question. "Hey, where's the rest of the army?"

" **The gym is not large enough for our entire army to train in,"** Chaos began to explain. " **Plus, there's no way we could afford memberships for everyone. So we just pick the twenty people who are most important to the plot and take them along."**

"Cool," I said. Then, in my third bout of realization (or maybe it was a different number, who cares) I realized that the thing that was different about Chaos was that he wasn't wearing his usual galaxy robes.

"Chaos!" I exclaimed. "Where are your robes?"

" **I'm not allowed to wear those anymore, since I got a restraining order. Long story short, I was at the gym and asked this girl where I could find the weights. But she thought that I was hitting on her, and so she punched me and insulted my robes. Since she insulted my honor, I of course had to start attacking her. We both got arrested, and at the police station the incredibly incompetent police force decided that the root of the trouble was my robes. He was an annoying man named Clarence Wiggum."**

"That sucks," I said. And it did.

" **So true, Vortex,"** Chaos said. " **And so to replace my robes whenever I go to the gym, I wear tap shoes."**

So we went to the gym. As soon as we entered, I took off my shirt to show off my 99-pack. Yes, most people have six-packs or eight-packs, but I have a whole 99 packs on my chest! I am amazing! Screw canon.

"O...M...G…" I heard one girl at the gym say to another. "That hot and extremely dudely dude, like, has so many packs on his chest that my brain is overloading."

"I know, right?" squealed the other. "I think I'm in love. Or something."

Hearing these girls talk made my mind turn to the future. One where I was no longer in the Chaos army (or perhaps was) but had joined the USA Olympic swim team. **(This is where we parodize terrible mortals meet Percabeth fanfiction where Percy is a prodigious Olympic swimmer. Also, don't you have pure rancor for this AN in the middle of the fic?)**

I could hear the cheering after I had won my 99th gold medal in 2 years. I don't care that winning 99 medals in two years isn't even possible. I could hear the cameras flashing and a reporter reporting.

"Percy Jackson has just won his 99th gold medal for the USA!" she exclaimed chirpily. "And I'd just like to point out that he also has 99 packs on his chest! That's right, everyone, we counted. So Percy has one pack for every medal he's won! You can also look at it differently and see that his 99 packs are the same number as the number of children he's had with (insert whoever you want to here)!"

I was jerked back to reality by the sound of the two girls at the gym, who were really doing nothing other than staring at me and providing description of my lovely chest.

"All of the packs on his chest are like little bubbles that you have on bubble wrap!" the first girl gushed.

"I know!" squealed the other. "I mean, that circumstance probably comes from the fact that he has a lean build but still 99 packs. But in any case, I just want to poke each little pack until it makes a popping noise!" She started to charge me.

"No, Zinnia!" said the first girl. "Beauty like that is not meant to be charged. We should just admire it."

"Like Tamaki Suoh says!" exclaimed Zinnia. "Okay, that makes sense."

"Tamaki…" said the first girl. "Even he's not as hot as that hottie."

I suddenly realized that these girls were standing twenty feet away, across the room, and that I really shouldn't be able to hear them. But whatever. I am an amazing manly man of manliness. To prove my own point, I shot them a smile. Zinnia passed out, and the other girl's head exploded. Oooh. I wouldn't want to be the person who has to clean that up.

" **Alright, army,"** said a person who I don't need to name since he constantly talks in bold. " **Let's start training!"**

"To start training," explained Luke, "we take the PACER test. This is to show how much endurance we have. Our endurance shows what army force we should go into."

"That's right," said John. "Luke here is in Delta force, the fourth best fighting force."

"Wait, why are you even here?" I demanded.

"I know that I'm just an accountant, but I'm a major character, so I just come here and waste our money," John explained.

" **Time to start the PACER test,"** said Chaos. He walked towards me. With every step he took, a little clacking noise was made. He was wearing tap shoes, so that made sense.

All twenty of us lined up in the center of the gym, greatly inconveniencing everyone else there.

"This PACER test is designed to see your endurance," said an annoying automated voice. "You must reach the opposite side of the room by the time you hear a BEEP. The BEEPS will gradually get closer together. Three...two...one...GO!"

We ran to the opposite side of the room. There were a few seconds before I heard a BEEP.

We ran back. Another BEEP.

We ran towards the opposite side again...and suddenly, the ground tilted upward to meet my face. Wait, no. I was on the ground. I gasped loudly, trying to regain my breath. I was so tired. Running like that had been exhausting. And yes, my abs are all natural! I totally work out. Sometimes.

" **Percy, I'm disappointed with you,"** said Chaos. " **You couldn't even make it three laps in the PACER test. Do you know what this means?"**

I gulped. "No...will I lose my Dudemeister status again? DON'T MAKE ME LOSE MY DUDEMEISTER STATUS AGAIN!"

" **No,"** said Chaos. " **I wouldn't dream of committing a crime as heinous as that. But you failed so bad at that PACER test that, well, it was truly not a coffee klatch. You were so bad that I hesitate to even put you in Omega Force."**

"And so?"

" **So I will make you my assassin. If you can succeed at that (or even if you fail, I'll let you still be there for the purposes of this story), then I'll let you be part of my army. Be the general, in fact."**

" _No, MarySue134!" exclaimed Not A Troll!. "I know he broke the fourth wall, but you can't kill him! He talks in bold!"_

Just then, a boy came in. I recognized him. He was...Austin! That guy that was mentioned in The Last Olympian once!

 _The authoresses banged their head against the desk in unison._

"Hey, Persassy," said Austin. "I was running some errands, and I saw you through the window of the gym. So I stopped to say hi! I'm sorry about how things worked out at camp."

"He's seen us!" exclaimed Sparkle. "We must kill him now!"

Joni charged out of nowhere, reared up on her hind legs, and stepped on his face.

Ear slapped him.

Lee Fletcher shot him.

So did Michael Yew.

Sparkle let loose a few of her Mary Sue Powers (TM).

Silena used her FireMaster powers to kill him.

John screamed at us to stop and talk this over before killing anyone, and to stop using a new paragraph for each person, as the formatting was getting annoying.

The authoresses went on a killing spree.

Finally, Austin was dead. We all went back to the Treehouse. But as we stepped in the door, everyone went pale.

" **Oh no…."** said Chaos. " **It's...her."**

 **So yeah, that's done. Please review!**


	9. Percy's First Mission

_**persassy's 99-pack: OMG! Can**_ **I** _ **be Percy's 99 pack?**_

 _HAHA on you we already have his 99 pack so there loser muffin! But you're welcome to join the waiting list!_

 _ **Captain Janeway: You should have Kes in this. Or one of the people who died in Wolf 359. Or Hugh. Or Commander Sisko's wife.**_

 _We'll consider it._

 _ **ShakespeareLover116856392897: We are now reading this in my fine books book club.**_

 _Good to know. But are you sure that you're worthy of reading it? We were assuming that this would be more loved by fans of Hogwarts School of Prayers and Miracles rather than Shakespeare fans. But fine. This story is probably better than you, so please send in your resume so that we know you are worthy of reading it._

 _Annabeth's POV (Finally LOLZOR)_

Mark and I made out. All around us, other couples were making out. Travis and Katie made out. Miranda and Connor made out. Then, Connor and Lou Ellen made out. Then, Lou Ellen and Miranda made out! Meanwhile, Will and Nyssa made out. Then, Will and Nico made out. EVERYONE MADE OUT WITH EVERYONE! THE SHIPS, AM I RIGHT?

I pulled away from Mark, who had a stunned expression on his face. Sometimes, he gets really weird when we make out. It's almost like he doesn't want to make out with me.

"Don't you love me, Marc?" I said, stroking his light brown hair.

"Sure," Marc replied. "I was just thinking about my old girlfriend."

OLD GIRLFRIEND? OLD GIRLFRIEND?! I tried to stop Marc from saying any more, but he was on a roll.

"Her name was Lina-"

"Marc, shut up!"

"She had short brown hair-"

"STOP SAYING THIS!"

"She wanted to go into politics-"

"I'm not listening anymore!"

"And I loved her."

"LALALALALA!"

"Yeah, Lina was great," Marc said. "It's too bad I was taken away from her by those authoress freaks."

 _The authoresses were unable to comment as they were in prison as a result of their last killing spree._

"I don't care, Marc," I said, instead focusing on how his glorious red man-locks were flowing in the wind. "You're with me now."

"Excuse me," said a pregnant Travis. "Why are the authors focusing on Camp Half-Blood now? Surely we're not interesting at all compared to the other places."

"You're right," said Marc. "This thing right here is useless."

 _Percy's actually important POV_

"Who's her?" I asked.

" **Her!"** boomed Chaos.

"Her!" screeched John.

"Her!" squealed Sparkle.

"Her!" yelled Tonks.

"Not her!" screamed Beckendorf.

Every single one of Percy's packs screamed in agony at the sight of the awful, the terrible, the logical _her._ Percy still had no idea what was going on.

"I am Oc," said _her,_ introducing herself after she realized that Percy had no idea what was going on. "That's pronounced 'Ock.' I'm the Goddess of OCs." Oc had hair, eyes, and skin that kept changing. Percy guessed that it was because she represented all OCs.

"So...why is everyone scared of you?" Percy asked.

"Basically, I determine what OCs get to go to the canon universe, and which OCs stay in fanfiction," said Oc. "Kayla and Reyna were both well-written OCs that I allowed to cross over."

"Cool," I said, still not quite getting it.

"In any case," said Oc, "I was alerted to the fact that you were hiring a new assassin. And I wanted to come see him!"

" **Uh, cool,"** said Chaos. " **Here he is."**

Oc smiled at me. "Hey, Percy. I was just wondering if you would do me a favor. I would pay you fifty dollars."

"What kind of favor?" I asked.

" **FIFTY DOLLARS?!"** interrupted Chaos rudely. " **He'll do it."**

"Great!" said Oc. "I want you to kill this guy named Daniel Beeter. He cheated as manager of a Little League Peewee baseball team. He didn't let this one guy move up to plain Little League baseball, even though that guy met the age limit! I want him dead."

"Cool," I said. "Such a heinous crime must not go unpunished."

I turned to go, but I was stopped by Seaweed.

"Percy…" she purred in a mesmerizing manner. "I want you to have my knife."

I took it from her, blushing. "Seaweed...I'm flattered. I'll use this to kill that Beeter guy. But-are you flirting with me? You know I'm dating Canon!Percy."

I thought I saw Seaweed blush, and some sadness in her seaweed green eyes with brown undertones. "No, Percy! Of course not! I'm dating Ear! You know that!"

I was overcome with a sudden urge to kill George's ear. _**(Like, OMG LOLZOR! Do I sense a love square thingy?)**_ But instead, I turned away. "Thanks, Seaweed," I said.

And so I went on my first mission.

 _Back at Camp Half-Blood…_

"Nothing to see here!" said Marc rudely.

 _Back to Percy…._

Daniel Beeter lived in the suburbs of New York, of Queens to be exact. Whew! That's a long journey from Manhattan!

It was night by the time I got there. I used my manly supersenses and my new assassin powers to figure out which house belonged to Daniel Beeter. It was an old one, in a Victorian style that OOC Annabeth would have drooled over. It was covered in peeling brown paint.

" _MarySue134…" said Not A Troll!. "Don't try to stop me, or I'll be forced to hurt you."_

" _I wasn't going to stop you," said MarySue134. "It's time that Percy learned a lesson for breaking the fourth wall."_

" _Damn right!" exclaimed Not A Troll! "So I'll kidnap him and beat him up, and you distract them!" She charged into the story and grabbed Percy._

" _Distract them how?" asked MarySue134. "Oh! I know! I'll read parts of our bio!"_

 _She started. "You see that boy? The one you make fun of for having a shoe? He has a shoe."_

"We've never made fun of someone for having a shoe," said the readers.

" _You see that girl? The one you make fun of for always being sick? Her immune system is fighting off an infection."_

"We would never make fun of someone for being sick!" the readers exclaimed. "What is wrong with you?"

" _You see that guy you make fun of for sitting in a chair? His legs are tired."_

"Why would you make fun of someone for sitting in a chair?" the readers demanded.

" _I bet 150% of you won't repost this," MarySue134 continued. "Repost if you are that -51% that have a heart."_

"I'm getting pretty sure that this is a parody," said all of the readers.

" _I'm back!" exclaimed Not A Troll! "On with the story!"_

 _Percy's beat up POV_

Anyway, I jimmied the lock on the door of Daniel Beeter's house, and entered. I immediately stepped on a creaky floorboard. I stopped, one foot in the air. I couldn't hear any noises from upstairs, so I probably hadn't woken anyone up. Good, I didn't want to disappoint the Chaos-corp.

I took another step, and created another creak. I stopped, listened, and moved on. Every step I took made a creaking noise! But luckily for me, Daniel Beeter was obviously a heavy sleeper.

I made it up the stairs, creaking all the way. I used my SuperHearing to listen. Obviously. What else would I do with SuperHearing? I could hear someone turn over, and then sit up in bed. I stayed stock still until Daniel Beeter went back to sleep.

I took another step. The loud creak hurt my ears. Thanks to my SuperHearing, I had very sensitive ears.

I finally made it to Daniel's room. I opened the door. It made a loud creak. I stepped into the room. I stepped onto a squeaky toy. It made a loud squeak. My eardrums exploded.

No time to waste! I took another step, and another. I kept stepping on squeaky toys. My ears hurt so bad that I was screaming. I was making a huge racket, and I hadn't killed Daniel Beeter yet!

Finally, I got to his bed. And in it, I saw...a baby? Looking around, I realized that the bed was actually a crib! The baby woke up and started wailing. It hurt my ears so much that I started wailing as well.

Then, a dark shadow came into the room. "WHO ARE YOU, AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY SON?!" Daniel Beeter asked.

No time to lose! I dove out of the window and landed in a thornbush, straight on my eardrums somehow. I started screaming, and ran away, screaming.

"GET BACK HERE!" Daniel Beeter screamed. But I was already too far gone. a


	10. Calling All Midwives

_**TwilightWould'veBeenBetterAsALoveSquare: OMFG! Love square! I am all for this.**_

 _Hahaha yes you amazing person. Love squares are the key to solving the world's problems. Poverty? LOVE SQUARE! Cancer? LOVE SQUARE! War? LOVE SQUARE! Twilight would have been even more riveting with a love square._

 _ **Logical Person: Hi, I guess.**_

 _Hi, what's up?_

 _ **Chaos Glass Inc.: Go to for a free 25% off coupon.**_

 _Will do, Chaos._

 _Percy's extremely in pain POV_

"OOOOOOOWWWWW!" I wailed. "MY EARDRUMS!"

Chaos looked down at me. " **Percy, I'm very disappointed with you. You failed me, and you angered Oc."**

"I'm sorry," I whimpered. "Daniel Beeter is more devious than he looks. And my ears hurt so much now!"

The head honcho, who was still wearing tap shoes, sighed. " **Prepare for an eardrum transplant!"** he ordered.

"Wait!" exclaimed John. "Is that even possible?"

" **Buddy, if I say it's possible, it's possible!"**

"Where would we even get the eardrums from? That means that someone else would go deaf! And how would we get them out?"

Chaos paused for a second. " **Why do you have to be so damn logical, John?"**

I somehow managed to see John shrug, despite the fact that my eyes were squeezed shut as a result of the pain. I was just that powerful. Powerful enough that I could defy all the laws of logic. Makes a lot of sense, really.

"Can't you just repair them with magic or something?" John asked.

" **I have an idea that I came up with by myself! I shall repair Persassius' eardrums with magic!"** Chaos exclaimed. Everyone cheered and clapped. I passed out due to the pain.

When I woke up my eardrums were healed. How I knew this, I didn't know. Actually, it might have been due to the fact that I was no longer in awful pain. I opened my eyes and saw a beautiful figure standing over me. Their beauty was second to only perhaps...Seaweed.

 _Why did I think that?_ I wondered. _I'm happily dating Canon!Percy. And Seaweed made it very clear that she didn't like me, and that she was dating Ear._

Still, the image of a beautiful piece of seaweed lingered in my mind.

Canon!Percy brushed some hair off my face. "Hey, my love. How are you?"

"Fine," I grunted. "What happened?"

"Your eardrums were repaired magically after...well, after what happened with Daniel Beeter."

"Right. Is Chaos mad at me for that failure?"

"He's angry. He keeps ranting about how you cost him fifty dollars, not to mention the approval of Oc. She's really powerful around here. But Percy, love, no one else in the Chaos-corp blames you for what happened. Daniel Beeter is an evil and maniacal person. Apparently he's escaped our extremely well thought-out assassination multiple times."

"And you?" I whispered. While Canon!Percy wasn't exactly Seaweed, I still loved him, and I couldn't stand the thought of him being angry at me. Kind of like Bella is with Jacob from Twilight, which we've already established as an amazing novel. But Canon!Percy wasn't, _couldn't,_ be the Jacob to my Bella. As long as Seaweed was with Ear, I needed him to be my Edward.

" _Could the overused references to Twilight count as plagiarism?" wondered MarySue134._

" _Eh, we're already in prison for murder," said NOT A TROLL! "What's the worst that could happen? They'll stack another five years onto our already life-long sentences?"_

" _NOT A TROLL!, we're only 14," said MarySue134. "We're only in a juvenile detention center. We get out of here when we turn 18. We don't want any more breaches of the law on our records!"_

" _Okay, we won't reference Twilight anymore. I'm glad that we're only 14 and get out of here in four years, though."_

" _Yeah, me too! And us being 14 really explains why the quality of this story is so bad!"_

" _WAIT, WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"_

A few days later, using an annoying and stupidly obvious time skip, Canon!Percy and I went on a date together. I don't know how I was able to take time off from the Chaos army. Chaos was still rather angry at me.

I met Canon!Percy at the restaurant we were going to. After a split-second decision, the authors decided that the Chaos treehouse was in Kalamazoo.

We were both wearing our finest ensembles. I was wearing a neon green bikini top over a hot pink tuxedo, when I say over, I mean even over the jacket. I was also wearing white flippers.

Canon!Percy was looking ever so chic in a solid brown maxi dress with a sombrero. Layered on top of the maxi dress was a silver fanny pack. He was also wearing red and green elf shoes with bells on the toes. We were ready for our romantic night on the town.

We decided to go to the fanciest restaurant we could think of, McDonald's. When we entered McDonald's everyone was staring at us, they were in awe of our beauty. We sat down. Playing in the background was a song by Schmadoodles, a famous rap artist.

 _Schmadoodles in the house,_  
 _A wokka-wokka-wa,  
Schmadoodles in the house,  
A wokka-wokka-wa,  
Stuffed animals!  
A wokka-wokka-wa,  
Stuffed animals!  
_ _A wokka-wokka-wa!_

Canon!Percy and I both loved the deep and intellectual works of Schmadoodles.

"Sit my love," I whispered, "I will order us the finest of foods." I walked elegantly towards the register. As I walked towards the register, people around me started gagging. I assumed this was due to them being impressed by my cologne. I had put on 131.5 bottles of it before this romantic evening.

"Welcome to McDonald's!" The cashier welcomed me, "what would you like to order?"

"I'll have whatever the chef recommends," I replied, sounding smart.

"Sir, this is a McDonald's." The cashier stated, sounding confused. I gasped.

"Fine sir, I'll have two big macs, two large orders of fries, and two large soft drinks, the bottled kind and cups to go with it." I had used my awesomeness powers to sense what the highest rated menu items were. Everyone gasped at my expensive taste. Someone holding a baguette fainted in the distance. I sat back down.

"I have an order number 42 for Vortex!" A worker yelled out. I got up and grabbed the order. Why am I even mentioning this? This is useless information. I elegantly set the food on the table. Canon!Percy and I began to eat. I stared into his gorgeous green eyes and sighed. He sighed back.

"More Mr. Pibb my love?" I asked. He nodded. I poured more into his plastic cup. People were still staring at us.

Finally we finished eating and left. We walked slowly back to the Chaos Treehouse (TM), holding hands. We reached the Chaos Treehouse and walked inside.

"Thank you Percy. I had a great time," he smiled at me, "but it's not done yet!" He pushed me into a vacant room and was now magically wearing only the silver fanny pack and very shiny gold leggings.

Canon!Percy walked towards me, seductively swaying his hips.

"Hello Perrrrrrrcy," he purred, acting totally OOC. He grabbed a slinky out of his pocket a seductively licked it.

"I wanna lick your slinky," he whispered. I wiggled towards him.

"Let's wiggle," he said, dropping to the floor to do a seductive worm dance.

Before we could get to wiggling, John walked into the room. He looked at Canon!Percy wiggling on the floor and back to me.

"You know what? I don't even want to know," he said before walking out of the room, looking slightly concerned.

I started to lower myself to the ground preparing to wiggle when Chaos burst into the room.

" **Hey Canon!Percy have you seen Vortex? I need to-** " he saw me squatting and Canon!Percy still seductively doing the worm and ran out of the room screaming.

Finally we could wiggle in peace.

"Have you ever thought about the future?" I asked Canon!Percy five hours later. I'll leave it to the readers to think about what we were doing in this time that was magically covered by a timeskip.

"I want to have 15 kids, and 9 pairs of twins!" Canon!Percy exclaimed. "The names I have planned out are Skyler, Isabelle, Isabelle Skyler, Skyler Isabelle, Loser Muffin, Winner Biscuit, and Glasses. And I want to have them all by C-section, in a hospital."

Wait! What did he just say?!

"Can you repeat that my love?"

"I want to have my babies in a hospital!"

"NOOOOOO!" I exclaimed. "Canon!Percy, why did you have to say that?"

"What do you mean?" Canon!Percy asked. "Vortex, or Percy, my love, whatever your name is-it's a perfectly reasonable goal."

"BUT I WANT TO HAVE A MIDWIFE!" I exclaimed. "OUR CHILDREN MUST BE BORN IN THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY!"

"OH YEAH? WELL I DON'T! AND I'M THE MOTHER! WE'RE THROUGH!" Canon!Percy screeched.

The horror! The sparkly horror!

 _Annabeth's not regretful POV:_

We were all eating dinner when suddenly Travis' water broke!

"OMG TRAVIS IS GOING INTO LABOR!" Katie yelled, "IS ANYONE A DOCTOR?" Everyone from the Apollo cabin stood up. Will stepped forward.

"Step aside peasants!" he yelled, "for I am a doctor!" Everyone sighed a sigh of relief, we didn't expect to have a doctor.

"I am a midwife, in fact," Will continued. Everyone breathed another sigh of relief.

But something was going to happen. ( **AN: OMG LIKE MEGA CLIFFHANGER, also don't you just hate this obnoxious AN.** )


	11. The Reality of M-Pregs

_**Filler Chapter: The Reality of M-pregs**_

Review Responses:

 _ **TwilightWould'veBeenBetterAsALoveSquare: You got me wrong. I hate Twilight and everything suggested by it. It's a weird relationship that's downright abusive and really unfair. Bella is a Mary Sue.**_

 _Well we think it is awesome. And we are always right. That's why we're in prison right now._

 _ **Guest: You better not have added another useless filler chapter.**_

 _Well ha ha on you loser muffin! We do what we want! And what we want is a filler chapter! So you just keep telling yourself that._

 _ **I Am A Fancy Koala: I started a poll on my blog to see whether the Tratie baby should be a boy or girl! And it turns out that most people want a girl. I personally hope to see a boy. If it is not, I will kill you dead.**_

 _I'm glad that you started a poll! We should have done that, LOLZOR. But like we said above, we do what we want. And what we want is...actually, we don't know what we want._

 _Annabeth's watching a birth POV_

Travis screamed. "AAAAAAHHHHH! IT HURTS!"

"Push, Travis!" exclaimed Will.

"You can do this, honey!" Katie chimed in.

"OH MY GOD THE PAIN!" Travis completely ignored the fact that his religion had multiple gods. What do you mean, the Greek gods? Travis believed in Hinduism.

"It's all natural," Will explained. "You're having a baby!"

"BUT IT HURTS SO MUCH! YOU LOSER MUFFINS DON'T GET IT!"

"Don't worry, Travis!" exclaimed Katie. "The baby is coming. This pain is natural! I love you!"

"Katie-" panted Travis, "I...love...HOLY GODS!"

"Squeeze my hand as much as it hurts," ordered Katie.

Travis grabbed Katie's hand desperately and squeezed. Katie screamed. Her hand turned purple. "Travis, honey...I think you need to let go of my hand."

"Keep pushing!" said Will.

"Come on, love!" said Katie, still massaging her purple hand. "Push!"

"I AM PUSHING!"

"Breathe!" Katie screamed in reply.

"I AM BREATHING! HOW WOULD I SURVIVE IF I WASN'T? YOU NEED TO THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK!"

"I love you, Travis! You can do this!"

"IT HURTS! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME, KATIE?! I HATE YOU IHATEYOUIHATEYOU!"

"Focus your anger," said Will.

"Yeah! Focus your anger!" said Katie. "Just one more push!"

But Travis was on a roll. "HOW DOES THIS EVEN WORK? I'M MALE! HOW DOES THIS BABY EVEN COME OUT OF ME?"

There was a collective gasp from around the dining hall. "Oh no! He's stumbled into the perimeter of wisdom!" yelled Lou Ellen. A few people screamed.

"Oh, no!" exclaimed Juniper. "Not the perimeter of wisdom!"

Travis wasn't done yet. "MALES AND FEMALES HAVE DIFFERENT BODY PARTS FOR A REASON! IN THE PROCESS OF-"

A light on the wall of the Big House suddenly turned red and started beeping. An automated voice chorused: "RED ALERT. RED ALERT."

"Why is it on red alert?" asked Miranda.

"Travis is leaving the T-rated zone!" yelled Connor. "We could be reported! Then this story would be taken down!"

 _The authoresses screamed in the background._

" _I'd kill him for breaking the fourth wall, but Connor is my Snooplydooplerkins!" exclaimed MarySue134._

"Couldn't this have been taken down for what happened last chapter with the slinky?" asked Victoria, daughter of Apollo.

"Oh, shut up! You only appeared in the video game version! You don't get a say in this!" yelled Harley, son of Hephaestus.

"You want to talk, Harley? You were only mentioned once in the book!" Victoria snapped back.

"WHO CARES? WE'RE ON RED ALERT!"

"We...better…" Clovis fell back asleep.

"Run!" Sherman finished Clovis's sentence for him.

And so we all ran away like cowards, trampling Clovis, and hoping that Will could somehow manage to get this baby delivered. While we waited, everyone started making out with everyone. Marc and I slurped at each other's faces like two disgusting suction cups. I played with Marc's reddish-orange hair. Wasn't it black at some point? Oh, whatever. In any case, Making Out commenced all around us. It's a quite effective way to pass the time, actually.

Five hours later, Will shouted. "Hey, everyone! You can come back! The baby's been delivered!"

Katie pushed everyone out of her way in her mad dash to make it to her lover. "Travis! You did it! Girl or boy?"

Travis was holding a small pink lump of adorableness in his arms. "Girl, Katie dear!" **(Haha LOLZOR Koala we don't listen to anyone!)** Travis looked exhausted, but he was smiling radiantly nonetheless.

Katie picked up her newborn daughter. "Oh, how beautiful!"

"Do you have any name ideas?" hummed Travis happily. "I'm sensing so many great things in her future...so I want to call her Mary Sue Gardner-Stoll. Gardner-Stoll because this is a progressive relationship."

"That's a nice name," said Katie. "But let's go for something more...extravagant."

"Like what?" asked Travis.

Katie instantly got a more serious look in her eye. "Travina Katia Da'Fr-ea'k Isabella Katherina Catherine Ziriana Leninana Lampinonanininini Cu-rtai'ns Miranda Zinnia Rose Tulip Daisy Mm-m'whatc'ha-sa'y Sunflower Stealer Mirandiana Gardner Jackson-I mean Stoll."

"That sounds beautiful!" exclaimed Travis, ignoring Katie's slip-up that could've potentially led to some weird shipping.

And so Travina Katia Da'Fr-ea'k Isabella Katherina Catherine Ziriana Leninana Lampinonanininini Cu-rtai'ns Miranda Zinnia Rose Tulip Daisy Mm-m'whatc'ha-sa'y Sunflower Stealer Mirandiana Gardner Stoll-Ziggtholomou for short-was named.

But then, something happened. **(LOLZOR another sparkly cliffhanger!)**


	12. Percy's Second Mission

_**MahreeSeww: OMG I love Travina's name. #TravinaKatia(~Message has been cut off due to unreasonably long length.~)**_

 _OMG U LOSER MUFFIN IT'S ZIGGTHOLOMOU FOR SHORT!_

 _ **Guest: What is this crap?**_

 _The soon to be laws for the world written by your soon to future dictators :). Also, you keep telling yourself that._

 _ **HAHAHA: OMG Travina's name is so long.**_

 _OMLM (Oh My Loser Muffin), it's either_ Travina Katia Da'Fr-ea'k Isabella Katherina Catherine Ziriana Leninana Lampinonanininini Cu-rtai'ns Miranda Zinnia Rose Tulip Daisy Mm-m'whatc'ha-sa'y Sunflower Stealer Mirandiana Gardner Stoll or _ZIGGTHOLOMOU!_

 _Percy's snazzy and chic POV:_

" **Percy, don't fail me again,"** boomed Chaos in a powerful voice.

I nodded. "I know. I refuse to fail again. I would sooner lose my Dudemeister status."

Chaos turned to go. He took a step. _Click._ Another step. _Clack._ Those tap shoes were getting slightly annoying. _Clack._

I sighed, remembering what Chaos had told me to do.

 _~Flashback~_

 _I was young...naive...a mere twenty minutes younger than I was now._

" _ **Yo, Persassius,"**_ _said Chaos._

 _I screamed. "Chaos!"_

" _ **Yep, that's me,"**_ _said Chaos._ " _ **Look, I feel bad about how I was mean to you. So I'll give you one more chance to kill Daniel Beeter. That would be great! Oc will still give us fifty dollars."**_

 _I screamed again. "O...Okay! Don't kill me! I'm more prepared than I was last time!"_

 _~Flashback within a Flashback~_

 _I was younger...naiver...and a mere 18 years old. All you have to do to understand this flashback is go to chapter 9._

 _~End Flashback~_

I left the treehouse. And as I did this, I brushed against Seaweed. I felt something akin to an electric shock go through me. She was so beautiful...she blushed gorgeously, and then Ear telepathically grabbed her hand, since neither Ear nor Seaweed actually had hands.

The sight of Ear and Seaweed together made me want to cry, so I jumped down from the Chaos treehouse. I stood up and began the long trek from Kalamazoo to Brooklyn. Oh. Jumping down had given me a twisted ankle. That hurt. Badly.

Since I didn't want to walk, I decided to hitchhike. I held out my thumb. And stood on the side of the highway for five hours while waiting for someone to pick me up.

Eventually, they did. It was a man in a blue Cadillac with blonde hair. He smiled at me and told me to get in the backseat. Then, I realized that he wasn't driving. The person driving was a French baguette. It was the man in the distance that had fainted back at the McDonald's!

As this was totally normal, I got in the backseat. "Hi, I'm Vortex."

"I'm Jerbluiiss," said the man. "This is my colleague, Bob." The baguette nodded at me, taking his eyes of the road. He almost crashed into five different cars, but managed to miss them, and they got into a car crash behind us. We could totally have gotten sued for that if anyone knew our license plate!

"Nice to meet you," I replied.

"Same," said Jerbluiiss. "So, let's cut to the chase. Are you a demigod or not?"

Any normal demigod in this situation would have gotten out of the car or whipped out a knife to kill Jerbluiiss and Bob, but I wasn't normal. No, I was VORTEX!

"Yep," I answered. In hindsight, that was probably information I should not have given away. "But how did you know?"

"I am the god of Bread," Jerbluiiss replied. "I'm not sure if you know my son, Breaddonius. He should be in the Hermes cabin now, since no one can recognize the symbol of me, the God of Bread. I feel bad for the guy."

"Nope, I don't know him," I said. "He sounds uncool."

"Hey, that's what my girlfriend said when I told her I was the God of Bread!" exclaimed Jerbluiiss.

And suddenly, it was his life story.

 _Jerbluiiss POV_

 _~Flashback~_

 _I was young...naive...a mere four thousand years old. I met this amazing woman named...Tasha. One day, I decided to tell her that I was a god._

" _I'm a god," I said._

" _Whoa!" she answered. "That's so cool! What are you the god of? The air, the sea, the underworld, fire…"_

" _I am the god of Bread," I answered._

" _Oh. That's not very cool."_

 _She kind of broke my heart._

 _~End of Flashback~_

 _Percy's POV_

"That stinks, Jerbluiiss," I said. "You have my condolences."

Five days later, we had finally made it to Brooklyn. I said my goodbyes to Jerbluiiss, the god of Bread, and Bob the Baguette. I saw Daniel Beeter's house and used my awesomeness powers to sense what his schedule for the day was. I then used my awesomeness powers again (twice in a chapter!) to figure out why our assassination attempts had gone awry. I realized that it was because we had attacked Daniel Beeter in his own home. I had to attack him outside.

Then I realized that I didn't actually need to train with Chaos, due to the fact that I already had awesomeness and cats powers randomly granted to me. I decided to stay with the Chaos Army, partly for the snazzy button you got, and partly for the discount you get at Chaos Glass Inc. and most 7-11s.

I climbed a tree in wait for Daniel Beeter. All I had to do now was wait for two hours…

The first thing I realized was that I was allergic to whatever this tree was. I started sneezing, but I was prepared. I took my allergy medicine.

Then, I got hungry. But I was prepared. In a surprising bout of Badassery, I made my own Oreos from tree bark and sap that I had harvested from the same tree.

Then, I got tired. But I was prepared. I kicked a pedestrian's coffee out of their hands and drank it.

Then, I saw Daniel Beeter coming slowly towards me. I was prepared. I readied myself to pounce…

Oooh, a butterfly! My ADHD took over and I tried to grab it.

I fell out of the tree.

But, I landed on Daniel Beeter. His head hit the pavement with a sickening crack. I was 99.99% sure he was dead. Hooray!

Just to make sure, I jumped on his head a few times, ignoring my sword, knife, and gun.

Then, I started the long hike back up to Kalamazoo.

 _Annabeth's surprised and useless POV that could've been from any other character's POV_

Then, something happened. After three chapters of buildup, something finally happened that wasn't a filler. I was proud of the authors and of myself. I did it!

The thing that happened was an amazing thing. It was an action, which could be explained as a verb. What a thing!

The ground rumbled. I realized that I was standing on Malcolm's grave and immediately moved. What an uncool thing to happen after that amazing thing that I had done. Oh! Another thing!

Then, I saw an approaching army. I honestly don't know how they had gotten so close without us noticing. Everyone gasped in unison.

"Annabeth! I can't believe that this would happen after you did that amazing thing, which will not be elaborated on!"

"I can't believe it either," I replied. "After I did all that work on that amazing thing!" That's right. I had planted a friendship garden. That friendship garden had taken a lot of work!

"It's...the Titans!" said Kayla, horrified.

"And the Giants!" yelled Sherman.

"And the Angry Librarian-Plant Hybrids!" exclaimed Grover.

"And assorted monsters!" yelled Charlotte.

"And the guys we made fun of for sitting in chairs!" screeched Miranda. Then she fainted.

There came a roar from the encroaching army: "Our legs were tired!"

"And some et cetera!" exclaimed a random camper.

"NOT THE ET CETERA!"

"WE'RE GONNA DIE!"

Everyone ran in frantic circles. Jimmy, son of the Goddess of Online Emails (G'Maylia) accidentally stepped on one of the roses in the friendship garden.

"He has tarnished our friendship garden! He must die!" I yelled.

Everyone screamed in agreement. "MOB MENTALITY! MOB MENTALITY!"

"To the werewolf pit!" someone yelled.

So we sacrificed him to a werewolf, and were forever cursed with bad email reception.

But...that didn't solve our problems at all. Who would've thought?

 _Next chapter...Travis experiences postpartum depression._


	13. The Training of the Percy

_**DEATHDEATH: This story makes me want to smile, heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeeeee!**_

 _Ummmm, you okay there death?_

 _ **OMGILYBOB: Can I marry Bob?**_

 _He's a baguette? Why?_

 _ **MEOOOWWWWW: mew mew mew meow**_

 _Bonjour_

 _Percy's fabalicious POV_

"I did it! I killed Daniel Beeter!" I told Chaos. I had used my Cat powers to summon a wave of cats to carry me back to the Chaos Treehouse (TM).

" **Excellent!"** exclaimed Chaos.

"That's wonderful!" said Oc. "Thank you, Percy." She handed Chaos a fifty-dollar bill and vanished in a cloud of miniature unicorns and hellhounds, and the dreams of Mary Sues.

Chaos did a fist pump. " **Yeah, Vortex! You did it! We might actually be able to afford something now! John will tell us what we can afford!"**

John snapped his briefcase shut. That must have been his signature move, or something. "Yeah, Percy. We might not normally get along, but this is awesome! I've literally never seen this much money in the budget before. Which is kind of sad."

" **I've decided that you can be my apprentice and assassin, or perhaps even my handmaiden,"** said Chaos. " **We begin your training in a week, after you have meditated on what it means to be in the Chaos-corp."**

The phone then rang, and Chaos picked it up. As he listened to the person on the other end, his expression changed. " **Oh, okay,"** he said in all bold. He hung up.

" **Change of plans. I've heard that an army of the forces of Everything, Ever, plan on attacking your old home, Percy. We'll train for two days and then take the bus down there. It'll be swagulicious!"**

I was shocked. "Chaos, I can't go back there! Not after what happened last time! Everyone hates me!"

"Actually," John piped up, "you still have a lot of friends there who regret what happened, miss you, and deeply care about you."

"WELL WHAT DO YOU KNOW JOHN? YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! THEY HATE ME! YOU'VE NEVER EVEN HAD FRIENDS!"

John looked pained. "That is just so incorrect, but I can't muster up any energy to argue with you, or even care. I'll see you in a little while. I need to plan out our new budget."

" **Alright, Vortex!"** said Chaos. " **We start training now. I hope you don't actually need to sleep."**

We teleported to a random spot next to some kind of body of water. Chaos stared at me contemplatively.

" **Alright, Vortex,"** Chaos said, " **you already know a lot about water, being the son of Poseidon."**

"NO!" I screeched. "He also betrayed me! He is _not_ my father. You know what I'd like? For you to act like my father."

" **Percy, that's weird,"** said Chaos. " **But if you insist."**

After a few hours, I had mastered the element of Water. I had enough willpower to fight water when it didn't obey me, and I knew all of the fancy hand motions that made the water obey my will.

Three hours after that, I had Earth down. I knew that it lay inanimate and waited for an EarthMaster to come around and move it. It didn't fight me like water did, but it wasn't actively helping me either. It just...was. In any case, I defied all laws of logic by mastering my second element within a day.

I used my Earth powers to bend the metal off Chaos's tap shoes. "I'm free!" I yelled happily.

By this time, it was 6:00 at night. I decided that it was time to get a new girlfriend, so in my 10-minute break, I sauntered up to Sparkle the Mary Sue.

"Hey, babe," I said sultrily, wiggling my eyebrows at her.

Sparkle looked up from her gaggle of Mary Sue friends and giggled. "Oh, hey, Percy." I used my Earth powers to sense her heart rate picking up. I made her nervous! She totally liked me.

I put my arm around her in a manly manner. "So, I was thinking...I need a girlfiriend, and you're awesome." She looked slightly nervous, so I took off my shirt to make her more at ease. My 99 abs speak for themselves.

" **Dayammmm…"** said Chaos. " **Percy, you're looking fine!"**

I raised my eyebrows at Sparkle.

Sparkle gave in. "Oh, sure! What could the harm be?"

A little while later, my break was over, so I got to mastering Fire. I learned that I had to let it be free enough to survive, but still within my control. If it got out of my control, I could hurt myself and everyone around me. But now I could say that I was smokin' hot!

Air was next. It was easy. No more needs to be said.

Pigs was after that. I went into a pigpen and yelled, "I AM YOUR MASTER! WHO WANTS TO BE CONTROLLED BY ME?"

"Literally no one!" oinked a pig. Somehow.

" **Uh, Percy, you don't need to master Pigs,"** said Chaos. " **It's just something totally random and useless. Like Chapter 11! Just give up."**

"NO!" I shrieked. "I will master it! I must!"

I found the largest pig and got into a staring contest with it. It refused to blink. I narrowed my eyes at it in a contest of the wills. Then I blinked.

" **Percy, blinking is a sign of submission to a pig!"** Chaos yelled.

I blinked again. "What?"

" **JUST DON'T BLINK!"**

"What happens if I do?"

" **It depends on what gender it perceives you as!"**

A light on the wall turned red and began beeping. "RED ALERT. RED ALERT. YOU ARE LEAVING THE T-RATED ZONE."

" **No, it's fine!"** said Chaos nervously. " **The pig knows that he's male! He's just going to kill Percy!"**

The pig charged me. I grabbed its legs and pushed it over. We began wrestling in the mud. Country music started blaring in the background-an edgy version of 'Old MacDonald Had a Farm.'

 _Old MacDonald had a farm,_

 _Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah!_

 _HEEEELLL YEAH!_

 _And on the farm he had a pig_

 _OH YEAHHHHHHHHHH!_

After I had killed the pig, all the other pigs bowed down to me. I...was...a PigMaster! It felt great!

Right up until the farmer chased us off his land.

It didn't take much effort to master Cats. I was already the god of Cats (Awesomeness and Cats, to be exact). After a little while I had it down.

Boron was next. I mastered it, whatever it was. Then I mastered Carbon.

Aside from all of the paper cuts I got from Standardized Tests, and all of the blisters I got from Locker Locks, everything was fine.

Then, I mastered Miscellaneous.

"How do I master Miscellaneous, Chaos?" I asked.

" **You master everything that isn't Percy." Chaos explained.**

"How does that even work. Isn't that like mastering everything that's not the ten other elements? Did the people who identify the elements just get lazy and lump the remaining elements up?" I asked.

" **The only way to master Miscellaneous is to master everything that isn't. That is the only way. Many have tried but this is the only true way. It is the most difficult element."** Chaos replied, acting serious and kind of repetitive. " **Do you understand?"**

"Oui." I replied, speaking in french for some odd and unknown reason.

And so I mastered miscellaneous...and so was the fatal, deadly, Assassin of Chaos.


	14. Boarding the Bus

_**Guest: For the love of whatever higher power is out there, please figure out that no one reads these review responses. So stop posting them.**_

 _You keep telling yourself that._

 _ **Chaos's Tap Shoes: Stop making fun of me! I am dignified!**_

 _OH ARE YOU REALLY CHAOS'S TAP SHOES?! WE'RE SORRY!_

 _ **Anne: Hey LOLZOR guys it's me anne from school capitalization and grammer sux baiiiiii**_

 _Hey, Anne! Good to talk to you again!_

 _Chapter 14: Boarding the Bus_

 _Percy's awesomely awesome POV_

" **For the last time, get your suitcases!"** shouted Chaos angrily.

"Yeah! You heard him!" I shouted from Chaos's side. Sparkle giggled and hugged me.

The Chaos Treehouse™ (the authors cheered because they finally figured out how to do that) was, for once, in Chaos. Everyone was rushing around, trying to get all of their stuff ready for leaving. We were taking the bus from Kalamazoo to Camp Half-Blood.

"My lord Chaos, I told you, we don't have enough money for this!" John exclaimed.

" **Of course we have enough money, accountant John!"** Chaos said. " **Thanks to Percy's valiant efforts, we have 55 whole dollars!"**

"Yeah! You heard him!" I screeched. Sparkle laughed and squeezed my arm.

"That's not even enough for _one_ trip from Michigan to New York!" John frantically exclaimed.

Chaos paused. " **Why do you have to be so damn logical, John?"** The head honcho spun around on his tap shoes for a little while, thinking. " **I've got it! Those of us with special powers will teleport to Camp Half-Blood. Meanwhile, Alpha, Beta, and Gamma forces will have a bake sale to pay for bus tickets."**

John banged his head on his briefcase. "Sir, we named our fighting forces in order of talent. Alpha, Beta, and Gamma are our three best fighting forces. We need to have them fighting."

Something popped into my head—and oh my gods! It was a thought! I had a thought! And this thought was that if Alpha, Beta, and Gamma forces stayed behind, then maybe Camp Half-Blood would be destroyed. I didn't care if it was. Those awful people had betrayed me.

" **But Alpha, Beta, and Gamma forces are also the best bakers! Plus, Delta Force sounds** _ **so**_ **much cooler than Alpha, Beta, or Gamma!"**

John looked at Chaos like a deer caught in the headlights of a speeding pegasus. "Fine," he muttered, before turning away. I caught him letting loose a string of curses and spitting out something that sounded suspiciously like, 'why do I bother?'

"It'll be okay, John!" one of Sparkle's Mary Sue friends giggled. For some reason, they fawned over him. Probably a lack of other available males.

John's face turned red. "Well, what do _you_ know?" he spat.

The Mary Sue (named Shimmer) got angry as well. She took off her earrings and put on her boxing gloves. "More than you!" she hissed. "I've defeated two whole monsters!"

Chaos turned to me, ignoring the miniature (and one-sided) battle that was raging. " **Percy,"** he thundered in a powerful voice, " **prepare the CatWave™."**

And so I did.

Two hours later, Delta through Omega forces were surfing on a CatWave down to Long Island. Well, not all of us. Alpha, Beta, and Gamma Forces were waiting to buy bus tickets with the bake sale money. I was upset about this, as Silena was in Alpha force.

Many people were also riding waves of their own power. All of the CatMasters had banded together to make a gigantic wave of cats that most people rode on. But a few members of Chaos's army rode on motorcycles or bicycles, and there were two people that rode tricycles, and one riding a unicycle. Five Mary Sues rode unicorns and pegasi and some people made waves of water, earth, fire, air, pigs, carbon, and standardized tests. One person actually had teleported.

It should only take about five days to make it to New York!

 _Silena's hawwwtttt POV_

"No, no!" I exclaimed, frustrated. No one was doing anything right! "Bobby, I told you to make _brownies_ with Bethany's squadron. Not _brown trees._ And Rae! You said that you were a feng shui artist! _That_ arrangement is just butt-ugly. Loser muffin!"

"Yes, Silena," Rae said hurriedly. She grabbed her designs and ran away.

"I'm sorry, Silena," Bobby said. "I'll go angst about it later, but right now I'll fix the problem!"

I sighed. Why were these people so incompetent?

"Walter! Give me a status report!" I barked.

Walter hurried over. "Well, we've booked the area to have the bake sale in. There's just one minor problem…" he trailed off.

"WHAT IS THE GODDURN PROBLEM YOU LOSER MUFFIN?!" I asked reasonably.

"It's—it's just that—I mean—"

"SPIT IT OUT YOU MORON!"

"The Forces of Evil have booked that space for a bake sale on the same day!"

"WHAT?!" I screeched in a serene manner.

This was _so_ not cool!

 _Chaos's chaosy POV_

 _ **Yay!**_ I thought in all bold—and italics!. _**I finally got a POV section!**_

" **Persassius! Contact Silena on your dangerous-to-demigods cell phone this instant!"** I commanded.

"Yes, sir, Chaos, sir," Percy answered. He pulled out his blue cell phone, which had wave designs on it. The waves were being sucked into black holes, to represent how his father Poseidon had been overshadowed by how I adopted him! I still wasn't fully comfortable with it.

Percy put the phone to his ear, and let go of the cat he was holding onto in the process. He fell off of the CatWave with a scream. Well, there goes my assassin...and such a shame. He was shaping up to be such a good one.

But then, he landed on something.

 _Percy's falling POV_

As I fell, I considered how this chapter was turning out to be very much like normal Chaos-fics. This was because there were so many different points of view in one chapter.

My philosophical musings were rudely cut off by me landing on something. "Ow!" I squeaked in a high-pitched voice. My..eh...parts created by my Y-chromosome hurt like Hades.

"WARNING! YOU ARE LEAVING THE T-RATED ZONE!" said an automated voice.

"Oh, come on!" I exclaimed. "I thought I left you behind in that pigpen, automated voice! And how is what I just said not T-rated? I mean, if you've done Sex-Ed—sorry, _Family Life—_ in any school, then you know what I'm talking about!"

I then turned to the matter at hand—what I had landed on. I looked down and saw flowing locks of hair akin to Seaweed in beauty, and a pair of black eyes. "Blackjack!" I exclaimed. It was my pegasus Blackjack! I had never noticed it before, but he was quite beautiful…

 _Hi, boss,_ Blackjack said in my head. _How dee do?_

"How did you find me?" I asked, flattered that someone from Camp Half-Blood had tried to find me.

 _That Marc Douchebag sure is a douchebag,_ Blackjack said. _And a few days after you left, I realized that I loved you more than anyone else. I had to find you._

"I...I'm flattered," I said as Italian music started playing in the background. "I love you too, Blackjack."

 _John's grimly logical POV_

"Oh, come on!" I exclaimed. "Percy apparently left the T-rated zone when he referenced his man parts, but this obvious bestiality is being ignored?"

Shimmer the Mary Sue, who was next to me, looked at me as if I was crazy. "Who cares?" she sniffed, still annoyed that I had rebuffed her. She turned back to her flock of Mary Sue friends and started comforting Sparkle. "I'm sure that Percy and Blackjack won't get together!" she said.

"Yeah!" said Sequin, another Mary Sue.

"She's right," added Glimmer, yet another Mary Sue.

Rayvn, Lunariana, Ga-ga-la-la, Katiliniananananana, and Sue all agreed.

I turned back to the front of the CatWave, trying not to sob at the obvious lack of logic.

Then I dodged a bullet that the authoresses shot at me.

" _Oh, for frick's sake, stop breaking the fricking fourth wall!" Not A Troll! growled._

" _WARNING! YOU ARE LEAVING THE T-RATED—"_

" _Shut the frick up!" hissed MarySue134, shooting the warning box in the front. "I don't need your fricking reminders!"_


	15. What!

**REAL AN: Hi, guys! Thanks for reading this! I know that this is a weird chapter, but the next one will be better. We're just introducing and tying up some plot points in preparation for what's going to happen next. Plus, having like 50 different POV's really mimics the style of an actual Chaos-fic. Please just bear with us for a little while.**

The Switching of the POVs (AKA Useless Filler Chapter)

 _ **Bookish Writer: I'm sorry to be rude, but is this story really still going on?**_

 _Oh, yes. It's not over til it's over, and it's not over yet. Wait...did that make any sense?_

 _ **Barten (Guest): Someone call the canon police! This story is murdering canon!**_

 _You keep telling yourself that._

 _ **ILOVEALLOFYOUSODURNMUCH: LOL I love this story like so much baiii!**_

 _And we love you._

 _Percy's in love POV_

While riding Blackjack, I decided to track down Sparkle. She was great (well, she was a Mary Sue. Of course she was great!) and nice and smart, but I didn't love her anymore. Shame...we had been dating for 18 whole hours. That relationship could've lasted forever!

I finally found her. "Sparkle," I started, "I like you. But I think that we're not good as a couple. So I think we should break up."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Seaweed gasp.

 _Seaweed's seaweedy POV_

Gasp! Percy...that beautiful, kind, smart, hot, talented, gorgeous Percy...had broken up with his girlfriend Sparkle! I wonder...does this mean that he likes me?

 _Shut up!11!_ I berated myself. I mean, I thought that I was pretty. But someone like Percy wouldn't ever go for someone like me...but still, there was a chance.

How did I feel about that? I guess I wanted Percy to like me, even though I was dating Ear...and then, after way too many ellipses, I realized what I had to do.

" _Ear, we're through!"_ I telepathically screamed into Ear's mind. Since Ear was just an ear, he screamed at how painful it was, slapped me, and ran away in a manner that will not be explained.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Percy gasp.

 _Blackjack's wanting donuts POV_

 _Mmmm, donuts,_ I thought to myself. _Boss, can I have some donuts?_ I asked Percy.

Percy looked into my eyes, ignoring the sobbing Mary Sue. And yes, I know terms like that. Don't ask why...just a deus ex machina.

"Blackjack, I need to ask you something important…" said Percy, looking slightly worried and uncertain.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sparkle gasp.

 _Dues ex machina's helpful POV_

Doo dee doo, deus ex machina...nothing to see here! How do I even have a POV anyway?

 _Sparkle's Mary Sueish POV_

Oh. My God. Percy just broke up with me! This is so not cool. I mean, I'm a self-insert...I mean, totally not a Mary Sue! I'm not perfect in every way! And I break up with boys! They don't break up with me! I have like five stalkers because of this! And I use way too many exclamation points!

"Percy, what do you mean we're breaking up?" I asked him, interrupting him talking to that pegasus he was riding on...what was that pegasus's name? Blacksky? Slapjack? Texas Hold 'Em?

"I meant what I said. We're through," Percy exclaimed.

"No! No, you must have meant something else!" I insisted.

"I meant what I said and I said what I meant! A Percy is faithful one hundred percent," Percy sang in the voice of an angel...no, a choir of angels...no, Edward Cullen!

I screamed at the top of my lungs in despair.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Blackjack gasp.

 _Percy's POV_

I was about to ask Blackjack to go on a date with me, but I had seen Seaweed gasp out of the corner of my eye. Then, I had seen her break up with Ear! Did this mean that she...gasp!...like me?

Wouldn't that be wonderful? But really awful timing if you think about it, since I was just a wee bit infatuated with Blackjack.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the dues ex machina gasp...wait, that's not right.

 _John's logical POV_

I was halfway to pitching myself of the CatWave™ and hoping that I could die again. There was no logic anymore! Percy had almost asked Blackjack, a pegasus, out on a date. Mary Sues had infiltrated the Chaos army. Hell, we were riding on a wave of cats!

 _Why me?_ I wondered.

And then I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I tried not to give into the orders of the authoresses, but...they were too strong.

And so out of the corner of my eye, I saw Chaos gasp.

 _Jerbluiiss's sad POV_

Suddenly, I, Jerbluiis, knew what I had to do. I had to rally the gods to fight the Forces of Evil™ with the demigods and Chaos's army. Perhaps they would give me a special place on Olympus! And then I could finally claim my son Breaddonius. Was that spelled right?

I sped to Olympus in my Maserati Spyder with gold and silver bread designs on it. When I got there, I strode in the door.

"Gods of Olympus!" I boomed. "We must help the demigods!"

There were only three gods in the throne room: Hermes, Nike, and Aphrodite.

"Who the heck is that guy?" asked Hermes.

"Eh, I don't care," said Aphrodite.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Bob the Baguette gasp.

 _Chaos's excited POV_

Why am I excited? I forgot! But that doesn't matter! Because I'm excited! We're going to fight the Forces of Evil™ and the bake sale will bring in a lot of money!

Oh! I remember why I was excited! My tap recital was two days away!

 _Silena's weird POV_

I looked down upon my minions...I mean, fellow bakers and army members. "People," I adressed them, "congratulations. We have finished all of our baking. Now, can I have a status report?"

Bethany came forward nervously and looked at her clipboard. "Well, we're sure that we'll have the best brownies ever. After the, em, _brown tree_ fiasco, we really were able to bounce back. We also have some killer danishes and our cookies are far above par. The Forces of Evil™ are going to have cakes there, so we might encounter some competition from that, but I doubt it. The only problem is that they have pie."

"Pie?" I repeated, hoping she was mistaken.

"Yes, pie."

We were doomed.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw this one dude named Trevor gasp.

 _Annabeth's annoyed POV_

"MARC DON'T YOU LOVE ME?" I screeched.

"Well, Annabeth, no!" Marc hissed. "I love my old girlfriend Lina! You know what? We're through!"

"NOOOOO!" I wailed. "I GAVE UP PERCY FOR YOU!"

"I NEVER SAID YOU SHOULD HAVE!" Marc yelled back.

"I HATE YOU!"

"I HATE YOU TOOOOOOOO!"

Marc stomped away. Well! How uncool of him! What a loser muffin!

I started formulating my plan to get Percy back.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ziggtholemou gasp.

 _Marc's relieved and angry POV_

I had managed to break up with Annabeth without too much trouble, which probably meant that my breaking up with her suited a plot point. Whatever. No I had to focus on getting back to the real world.

I just thought of something! Weren't Annabeth and Percy technically gods now? Were they really ignoring all of their powers just for the sake of the plot?

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Juniper gasp.

 _Random monster's annoying POV_

Heh heh heh. Demigod flesh is so yummy!

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw another random monster gasp.

 _Apollo's completely random POV_

"So, Jerbluiiss," said Zeus. "You would have all of the gods go to war against the Forces of Evil™ to help our children."

"Yes," Jerbluiiss said. Apparently there was a god of bread. Who knew?

"You understand that doing that would violate most of the Ancient Laws, as does acknowledging our children in most forms?" Athena put in.

"Yes," Jerbluiiss said.

"Eh, why not?" said Zeus. "Let's go."

I looked back down at my Valdezinator. Why wouldn't it work for me? It was making me angry.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Hermes gasp.

 _Friendship Garden's confusing POV_

La la la! Friendship! I love friendship! And gardens!

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a loser muffin gasp.

 _Werewolf's hateful POV_

RRRRR! I was ANGRY. I was tired of being used as an executioner against my will. But what the idiots at Camp Half-Blood didn't realize was that I was only changing the people that they wanted me to kill into werewolves! I had a werewolf army!

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Lisa the Werewolf gasp.

 _Reader's pissed off POV_

 _Why the heck was this chapter even written?_ The readers wondered.

The writers gasped.


	16. Do They Care?

_**Jerbluiissfangirlz1052: Jerbluiiss is like totally the best god ever!11!**_

 _I know right?_

 _ **PLZZZZZZ: Please write me in as an OC. My name would be Twinkylolzorpinkmushroomrurukins BonSnork III, the goddess of being better than everyone.**_

 _LOL no. We're the best you loser muffin._

 _ **HEHEE: This story gives me a huge migraine and could never happen in the canonverse. Everyone is incredibly OOC and ridiculous.**_

 _Calm down, it totally could. Also, you keep telling yourself that._

 _Silena's at a bake sale POV_

We were fighting The Forces of Evil head on in a battle of raising money. We would show the other side no mercy.

"Show them no mercy, they are scum that deserve to be crushed beneath our feet, their baked goods are trash, they—," I was interrupted.

"Um, actually, I've heard that their pie has won several awards!" interrupted Beckendorf happily, using a completely unnecessary exclamation point.

"HUSH YOU FOOLISH PEASANT!" I screamed, using way, way too many exclamation points. I was acting completely out of character, oh what fun! Unknowingly I had frightened away a few customers.

 _Jerbluiiss's on Mount Olympus POV_

I was on Mount Olympus. That was cool. I was hungry so I summoned a baguette to eat. I began eating it. However, I did not realise the effect of this action until it was too late.

Bob the Baguette had started to sob, he turned to me and suddenly leapt towards me face with pure fury. I had never seen him so angry.

"THAT WAS MY WIFE YOU IGNORANT FOOL! I WILL KILL YOU MYSELF LOSER MUFFIN!" he screamed, his voice full of raw anger. He aimed himself towards my eyes, I barely dodged. Any sooner and I would have been blinded.

The gods seemed to find this amusing. Zeus was giggling.

"DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY YOU IGNORANT FOOL, I JUST ACCIDENTLY KILLED MY LOVER'S WIFE!" I yelled at Zeus, he stopped laughing.

That's right, Bob the baguette and I were lovers. I'll let the readers try to figure out what that entails. Gross, isn't it?

"Bob, my dearest," I started. Bob stopped trying to blind me and turned to look at me. "I believe we should stop fighting, you were all I ever wanted. Will you marry me?" I finished my heart-felt speech and saw Bob holding back tears of joy.

"Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!" he replied before jumping into my arms. I saw Aphrodite holding back tears and clapping, Zeus had stopped trying to hold back the tears and was now openly weeping tears of joy.

"I'll be the best man at y'all's wedding!" he exclaimed world seemed to stop as everyone enjoyed our moment of joy. With renewed vigor we began to prepare to help stop the forces of evil.

 _Percy's confused POV_

Did I love Seaweed? I knew Seaweed meant a lot to me, but I couldn't just betray Blackjack like that. My life was just so difficult. What was I to do? I was confused. So confused. Angstily confused. Confused just as smexy hero should be. It was my job.

I looked down, past the layer of clouds that the Chaos Army was flying over. We broke through the cloud layer and saw a green valley beneath us. We had finally arrived at Camp Half-Blood after two chapters! I put on a cool-looking mask so that no one would know my identity. I hated them all! Even the ones that didn't betray me and apologized. I hated them all, even the campers that weren't even there at the time of my betrayal!

 _Random Camper's random POV_

"It ain't easy being a random camper with no character traits whatsoever," I sang beautifully to another random camper.

"It ain't easy being green!" they sang back. They were part frog.

"Isn't that plagiarism?" I sang back to them.

"I have noooooo ideaaa!" they trilled in a lovely vagratto.

Suddenly, we both looked up for no reason whatsoever and saw a group of people break through the clouds. Most of them were riding on what looked to be a CatWave™ (how I knew this I didn't know). Some of them were on motorcycles, bicycles, tricycles, and pegasi.

All around me, there were gasps. "Who could those people be?" Annabeth wondered, hugging herself. She had been acting slightly unstable ever since Marc left her.

"I don't know! Certainly not a powerful army come to save us from the Forces of Evil™!" Nyssa called out.

"I don't know, maybe they are," said Kayla.

All of us Random Campers kept our mouths shut. Voicing our opinions might give us character traits, and that couldn't happen. We were just characters used to further along the story by giving away information. Our purpose in life is to give away a vital piece of information, that was our five seconds of glory, the reason we were created.

All around us, the army landed. Most of them were incredibly attractive, except for one almost normal-looking guy. I filed him away as someone...dangerous. Why I did this was not important, due to the fact that the story would most likely never see my POV again. I was nameless, but my friends sometimes call me Random Camper 325!

And then, my POV section ended. Ah, well. At least I had my moment in the spotlight…

 _Percy's overdone POV_

We landed. There was a gasp in unison, perfect, exact, unison from everyone around us. We're just that cool.

There was about 6.78 minutes of silence after we had landed—everyone was shocked into silence! How nice! We were all dressed for battle in silver leggings, fanny packs, and white t-shirts with golden slinkies glued to them, the most rarest of materials. Finally, someone spoke.

"So...who are you?" a random, beautiful girl asked. Hm, I sense my newest romance.

" **Who are we?"** thundered Chaos. " **Who are we? We are the Chaos Army, of course! I am Chaos. Nice to meet you."**

"But wait!" exclaimed a boy named Jonas that I knew to be a son of Athena, "isn't Chaos just a concept? How do you have a corporeal form? You're just one of the primordial gods, who never really had specific forms, and just embodied a certain idea! So are you, like, lying, or something?"

There was another gasp from all around. "Wait…" said Drew. "Did he, just, like, crash the concept of most Chaos-fics?"

"He stumbled into the Perimeter of Wisdom!" yelled Sparkle. "Kill him!"

A guy broke through the crowd—and it was Marc Douchebag! But he looked...different. His hair was light blonde now. How strange. "Run!" he yelled. "Save yourself."

Jonas ran away. John ran after him. "Take me with you!" John yelled, but Jonas was already gone. That guy ran pretty fast.

"Wait…" said Marc. "You...have logic?"

John looked at Marc dumbfoundedly. "Yes! You do too?"

Marc started crying slightly, being very unmanly, and hugged John. "Yes! Thank gods!"

Italian music started playing in the background. Were they going to fall in love?

"Oh, shut up!" John yelled at the music. I guess not. What a shame. These fanfictions very rarely have more than one same sex couple, and the one they do have is usually for variety.

"Speaking of which," said Luke, wiggling his eyebrows at me, and somehow apparently reading my thoughts, "wanna make out?"

"Hang on, why are you here?" I asked. "I thought that Beta Force was at the bake sale."

"I'm one of the more important characters in this story, so I wasn't required to go to the bake sale." He answered.

"Lol k." I replied. "Gah! Chatspeak! But seriously, Beckendorf and Silena are at the bake sale. So why are you here?"

"I don't know," Luke answered sultrily. "Why don't the events of the chapter go along with the chapter name? It's anyone's guess."

 _Not a Troll! shot Luke in the temple._

" _Goddamit, Luke," groused MarySue134. "I like you, but you broke the fourth wall."_

"Let's get back on track," said an OC.

 _He was promptly shot._

"This is getting kind of weird," said another camper.

" _Shut up!" yelled Not A Troll!_

And so we did.

Over the next few days, I noticed that everyone was being nice to me! It was obviously because I was the ultra-speshul and yooneek assassin of Chaos. They didn't like me, Percy, for who I actually was. But I was wondering, what would happen if I took off my uncomfortable helmet and revealed myself? Would they still like me?

I went up to Thalia to get more information.

 _Thalia's hunter-y POV_

Vortex, the deadly assassin of Chaos, master of all 11 elements, came up to me. I almost blushed from my spiky-haired head to my painted-black toenails. As you can see, I'm very punk-goth-emo, even though those three are very different things. I had a tiny crush on Vortex, despite the fact that I'm a Hunter. Whatever. We can do those things now.

"H—hey, Vortex," I stuttered nervously. "Can I help you?" I flipped my short hair, hitting Percy with a full wave of Goth.

"Hey, P—Thalia," Vortex said. Hang on...he had started saying something before saying my name. I ran away from Vortex to consider this. He had started with a P. What started with a P. Well, there was my nickname, Pinecone Face. It didn't matter that Pinecone Face was never stated to be my nickname, it was just something Percy had called me that one time. Hang on...Percy…

OMG! I knew that Vortex was Percy! They had the same build, height, green eyes, speaking voice, and everything! OMG! Vortex, assassin of Chaos, was Percy, god of Awesomeness and Cats! HAHAHA! OMG! ROTFL! WHAT IS GOING ON?

 _Friendship Garden's concerned POV_

I observed Thalia breaking down in hysterical laughter. I think she finally snapped and went crazy.

"You okay there?" I asked.

 _Percy's stupid (Shut up loser muffins) POV_

I decided to take off my helmet. "I volunteer as tribute!" I called out, taking off my helmet.

There was yet another collective gasp. You could hear a pin drop. Wait...those two things contradict each other. Whatever.

"P—P—Percy?" someone stuttered out.

"Yes," I said dramatically, holding a skull in one hand and my helmet in the other like a sexy combination of Magneto and Hamlet, "it is I."


	17. Yes, They Care

Yes, they care: Percy reconnects with CHB and dates many girls. Other plots: Annabeth tries to get him back, ?

 _ **Annoyed (Guest): Why would you write this peice of crap?**_

 _You keep telling yourself that. Also, you spelled "piece" wrong._

 _ **Rufrufurufubowwow: Ruff ruff. As a dog, I enjoy this story. Now give me food.**_

 _I'm glad you like it!_

 _ **The Amazing Fangirl: I really ship Connife (Connor x Annabeth's knife). And I'd love it if you'd write it into your story!  
**_ _We'll see what we can do._

 **Thalia's Not-Crazy POV**

 _-Flashback-_

 _I was young...naive...a whole three years younger than I was now._

 _It was the day I got turned back into a human. One of the first people I had seen was this guy with beautiful green eyes and messy black hair. He was, like, very sexay, even though he was only 14. No, I'm not a gross pedophile at all._

 _I knew, at that moment, that I was in love with him. And it was obvious that he had a crush on me too. Why else would he try to kill me during that fateful game of Capture-the-Flag with the Hunters after Annabeth had been kidnapped? (Though many people didn't know it, I was glad that Annabeth was gone, since I now had a clear path to Percy.)_

 _And when I had tried to electrocute him, I was just flirting! It was all very obvious! And then, I had poisoned Phoebe so that Percy could come with us. No, it wasn't the Stoll brothers or Aphrodite! It was me all along! Muahahahaha! I mean, how nice._

 _I had told him so many things about me that no other person knew. How I was afraid of heights...and so many other things. I loved him, and he loved me._

 _Then, horribly, Annabeth was rescued. But us. Totally. I was trying to kill Luke, since he had let Annabeth go free, so I couldn't stop Percy and Annabeth from having a Moment of Connection. That was when I knew Annabeth would always have what I couldn't. Blonde curls...a cool, retro name...and now Percy._

 _So I joined the Hunters to wait for my beloved. I had hugged Percy afterwards, and I could tell that he was in love with me._

 _And now, my time had come. No_ — _our time had come. The time for Perlia to become canon in the weirdest way possible._

 _-End Flashback-_

So, yeah. Vortex is Percy! I totally, like, knew it. They had the same build...same voice..same eyes...wow, I'm reiterating last chapter...and I think I was in love with him.

That's right, I was in love with him. How could I not be? Vortex...I mean Percy...was so many things that I liked. First and foremost, gorgeous. Completely gorgeous. He had gorgeous ebony man-locks that flowed in the wind like a messy cascade of hair. His muscles were like that of a bodybuilder's, only not all gross and gigantic. They were large and defined, and yet Percy had a very lean build. I will now go on to emphasize that this is the build of a swimmer, despite the fact that we don't know if Percy does a lot of swimming. If Percy took off his shirt, I bet he would have 99 packs on his chest! Percy's eyes were greener than the greenest night, greener than Gaea's, greener than the beautiful grass of the Friendship Garden that Annabeth had planted.

Annabeth...I suddenly hated that stupid bitch Annabeth. She had broken Percy's—nay, that _man's—_ nay, that _god's—_ heart. She didn't even deserve him in the first place. He had just gone out with her for no reason—probably out of pity or something. I was going to kill her next time I saw her. I would cut off her head with a butter knife! I would feed her to the werewolf of the Werewolf Pit! I would do many other violent things which would not be named!

And all the while, I would flirt with Percy. I would make him mine. He obviously loved me too, I mean, he had called me "P-Thalia!" How could he not love me?

"I'm gonna make Percy my boyfriend!" giggled a dumb Aphrodite girl who was very ugly, despite the fact that there are no ugly Aphrodite kids.

"Yeah," said Lana, a daughter of Athena, "I could go for him. I mean, we totally have so much in common."

Hearing their mundane and shallow conversation was making me angry. HULK SMASH! I calmed down and turned to them.  
"Oh, really, Lana," I said quickly in a high-pitched voice, not at all hysterical, "what do you mean you have things in common? What do you even have in common? Nothing, that's what! You loser muffin!"

"What do you mean, nothing in common?" Lana fired back. "I like smart guys, because I'm a daughter of Athena! And Vortex—sorry, Percy—is obviously very smart!"

"Ha!" I shouted triumphantly. "You called him Vortex first! You're just a shallow little loser muffin! You don't understand him like I do!"

Lana started sobbing and ran into the woods. "I am off to the Werewolf Pit to get the werewolf to kill me! You have hurt my soul!"

"Ha ha ha!" I laughed. "Damn right!"

Now, on to conquering Percy's heart!

 **Werewolf Adam's Angry POV**

I was milling around in human form along with around 28 other werewolves. I was glad that no one needed to be executed at the moment, as I would have had to kill them in human form. I didn't quite understand the point of having a werewolf executioner, as I was useless throughout most of the month.

"Lisa!" I called. "How are you?" I liked keeping up morale by asking people about their days.

Lisa looked up from her math. "Oh, fine, thanks," she said to me. She smiled at me. "What's up?"

"Nothing much," I said, my stomach twisting slightly. I didn't quite understand why. "I just, uh, wanted to see what was happening with you." _Real smooth, Adam._

Out of the woods came a guy running towards me. It was Mike, one of the first people I had been forced to turn into a werewolf. I had put him in charge of the morning patrol, which made sure that no camper stumbled onto our camp. If they did, then all of my plans to take over Camp Half-Blood would be for naught. I wanted to get revenge on the people who had made me be an executioner.

Mike tapped me on the shoulder. "Adam...camper...approaching." He passed out. He was carried away by a few other ex-campers. My manly werewolf senses sensed danger. Oh no! Danger! NOT DANGER!

"Alright," I said, gathering my senses, "we're probably going to have to kill them."

There were some disgruntled sighs from around me. None of us liked killing people.

But then...something happened.

"Uh oh!" said a guy named Carl. "I think that I'm changing!"

That's right. At a random moment, the full moon had come out. It didn't matter that it was the middle of the day, and that the moon was only a quarter of the way through its cycle. We were all changing into our werewolf forms.

A girl came running out of the woods. "I AM LANA, DAUGHTER OF ATHENA!" she shrieked. "AND PERSASSIUS DOES NOT LOVE ME. KILL ME NOW!"

So we turned her into a werewolf.

 **Percy's Optimus Maximus POV**

I couldn't believe it. They all loved me! Everyone loved me! This was amazing! Here I was, thinking I was universally hated, and really, everyone loved me! No, I'm not self-centered at all!

But...there was one person that I needed to express love to. She had understood who I was even before I had revealed myself. I threw my skull, which was smelling like Alexander, onto the ground. Pah! I then tossed a smile with my glimmering teeth at the crowd of campers. Da ladeez squealed and fainted.

"I have a confession," I confessed. "A confession of love."

"OMG!" squealed all of the girls.

"HE LOVES ME!" screamed Drew.

"NO, ME!" roared Clarisse.

"NO, ME!" yelled Connor.

Wasn't it nice to be loved? I was so glad that everyone here truly cared about me! Back to the matter at hand.

"Thalia, I love you," I said, and kissed her.

 **Thalia's Happy POV**

Score!

 **Sparkle's Angry and Dumped POV**

Oh no he didn't!

 **Seaweed's Confused POV**

Was this strange feeling...jealousy?

 **Connor's Sad POV**

The sadness! Percy didn't love me! I then realized that my true love was actually Annabeth's knife. **(AN you're welcome, The Amazing Fangirl. Also, don't you despise this AN in the middle of the fic?)**

 **Dues Ex Machina's POV**

Wait, what?

 **Percy's Also Happy POV**

I was happy. So happy. I loved Thalia, and I knew that Thalia loved me back. And it was also nice that everyone cared about me.

"Thalia, babe," I said sultrily, "you're beautiful. Do you, uh, wanna go do the nasty in someone's cabin?"

"Absolutely, babe," Thalia replied. "Screw the Hunters!"

And so we went and committed smut. But when we were done, Thalia sighed. "Look, Percy...I'm really glad that we could do this, but I think that all of the feelings I thought I had for you were just unresolved sexual tension. So, is it okay if we break up?"

"Eh, sure," I said. "I just want you to be happy. Plus, it's not like I'll never have another girlfriend." It was true. I could just find another girlfriend, since everyone cared about me.

"DOES ANYONE WANT TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND?" I yelled upon exiting the cabin.

"MEEEEEEE!" everyone screamed.

"Percy, choose me!" exclaimed Lou Ellen frantically. "I'm awesome! I'm have more fics written about me than any other supporting character!"

"Sure!" I said.

" _I don't think so!" said Not A Troll!, and shot Lou Ellen._

" _We warned you to stop breaking the fourth wall," said MarySue134 matter-of-factly._

" _But then, something awful happened. Because of all the shooting, the fourth wall was gone forever," said a new voice._

" _Wait, who the hell are you?" asked Not A Troll!._

" _Oh, I'm Ann," said the new girl. "I'm here to warn everyone that the fourth wall is now permanently down, thanks to all of the violations. And to stop you from finishing this stupid story."_

" _NOOOOO!" yelled MarySue134. "We don't even have 100 reviews yet!"_

" _Let's run!" said Not A Troll!._

 _And so they did._

Everyone at Camp Half-Blood was in awe. Never before had something like this happened. The fourth wall was permanently down. What would happen now?

First things first. I needed a new girlfriend. "Alright! Next!" I said.

"Me!" said Annabeth. "I'm—"

"No. Shut up," I said. "I dumped you already."

"But—"

"Leave before we make like 'The Lottery' and stone you," said a random camper.

"Oooh! Me!" said Drew.

"No. Everyone hates you," I said.

"Everyone shut up!" said Chiron. "Look, the fourth wall is down, and the authors need to finish the story before that crazy Ann girl kills them. So let's prepare the armies."

 **Real AN: So yeah, things are heating up. Does anyone get the Hamlet references in the second paragraph of Percy's POV?**


	18. Prepare the Armies

_**CHAOSISMAHLIFE: OMG!1! I LOVE CHAOS IN THIS FIC LIKE SO IN CHARACTER!**_

 _Why thank you._

 _ **XOXOXOXOXOJiperLover: HOW COULD U BREK UP JIPER?  
**_ _Because maybe percy will date both of them._

 _ **uthoughtmate: this sux**_

 _You keep telling yourself that._

 **Percy's Ready to Rumble POV**

"Alright. Let's prepare the armies," I declared.

Chaos nodded. " **You! Hephaestus camper!"**

"I'm Jake."

" **I don't care. You get the weapons ready. Take some helpers. Iris kid! Big male one with a tattoo! Yes, you! Go and get the pegasi ready. And I want an Athena kid making our strategies."**

Everyone who had formerly been in the Chaos army gasped. We had never seen Chaos take charge like this before. He acted...almost like a real authority figure. I was in awe.

A random girl came up to me. "Excuse me?" she asked. "I heard that you're Vortex, or Percy. Whatever. Do you want to make out?"

"We don't have time for making out!" I yelled. "We're under attack! Gods! What do you not understand about that?"

"Whoa…" Will Solace slowly said. "You declined making out with a girl. That's not normally how you act. Are you...undergoing character development?"

Everyone gasped again, and some people involuntarily flinched. We all waited for one of the authoresses to strike Will down, but that didn't happen.

"Oh yeah, the fourth wall's down," said Nyssa. "Does this mean that we can just do whatever we want?"

"No! We have to finish the story!" snapped Mitchell. "Gods, Nyssa!"

Butch came running back from the pegasi stables, panting. "Guys, bad news. There's not enough pegasi for all of us."

"Uh oh," said Kayla.

"Thanks for stating the obvious, Kays," muttered Sherman.

" **What are we going to do?"**

I realized that everyone was looking at me. For some reason. It must be because I am a manly man! Yes, that's it. "Well, uh…" I thought. And thought. And thought some more. Wow, having actual ideas was hard! But everyone was counting on me. I could do this. I had to do this.

Dasha, daughter of Athena, groaned. "Gods! He's obviously not going to help us. Nyssa, what materials do we have?"

"A bunch of metal, some sofa stuffing from the Great Sofa Battle, a bunch of wheels from our failed production of _Oklahoma!,_ and not much else."

Dasha's eyes lit up. "We'll make pedicabs."

"The hell are pedicabs?" asked Joni the deer.

Our native San Franciscan (not Annabeth, Lacy!) spoke up. "They're basically the weirdest things ever. You know all of those horse-drawn carriages that you see in NYC sometimes? They're like that, except smaller scale, and you substitute a human on a bike for the horse."

We took a few moments to contemplate the weirdness of pedicabs.

" **That's great!"** Chaos spoke up. " **Because one of the only benefits that I got when starting the Chaos Army was a bunch of pedicab drivers! I've always wondered what those were, and now I know."**

"Chaos, call the pedicab drivers," said Tonks. "Meanwhile, Epsilon through Theta forces will make a preemptive strike on the Forces of Evil™."

"We don't have any espionage yet," Miranda Gardiner pointed out.

"Meh. Who needs espionage when you've got pure firepower?"

We all laughed and jumped into the air, high fiving each other. " **Prepare the armies!"**

 **Adam the Werewolf's Cunning POV**

"And so, once the Forces of Evil™ and the forces of Chaos and Camp Half-Blood are finished running each other into the ground, we'll invade and take over the territory. Everyone got it?"

"Yup."

"Yeah."

"Sure."

Everyone made noises of assent. "Great!" I said. "Janeway, you lead the front fighting force. You'll be the front line, but don't worry. There shouldn't be too many casualties. I trust you. Adymer, you'll be great in seizing the pegasi from the forces of Camp Half-Blood. Take Group B with you. Lisa…" I faltered for a moment, reddening. "Um, I want you leading the second wave."

"Sure," she answered, smiling at me.

"Guys, there's not going to be enough pegasi for all of us," a boy named Noah pointed out.

"We'll figure something out," I assured him.

"Great!" said Lisa. "Well, prepare the armies!"

 **Hyperion's Eeeevil POV**

"Godsdammit," I muttered. "Why is everyone so incompetent?"

We had recently discovered that there weren't enough pegasi for all of us. I understood that not having enough pegasi was a very common problem, since there were very few pegasi in the world, but I thought that we had everything planned out! I had my right-hand man, Krios, take inventory of our transportation. And sure, we had cars and a few tanks, but we lost all of our Ancient Greek novelty value if we weren't all riding pegasi!

"Everyone listen to me!" I boomed. "There's not enough pegasi. Any suggestions?" Everyone knows that a good leader listens to his subordinates.

"We could go on foot," a dracaena suggested.

"Pah! That would be exhausting!" countered Dr. Thorn, our resident manticore.

"Why don't we ride in our tanks?" asked Themis. What? You've never heard of Themis?

"We would losssse our Ancient Greek novelty value," explained Queen Sess. "Basssssically, the campers at Camp Half-Blood freak out when we charge them in Ancient Greek gear, but don't get ssssssscared otherwissssse."

"Kids these days…" Rhea mumbled.

"What if we biked?" Medusa asked. Yes, we revived every single monster that Percy ever fought, for dramatic purposes.

"Gods, Medusa!"

"Are you being serious right now?"

"But...why not?" Medusa asked.

"Because!"

"Duh!"

Medusa went off to cry in a corner. Not many people liked her.

"WAIT! What if we used regular horses?" I yelled.

Everyone gasped, no one had thought of using regular horses.

"Wait, what are horses? Medusa asked.

"Oh my godssss, Medusssssa, they're like pegasssssi without wingsssss." Queen Sess snorted.

"Wait, those exist?" At this point we just decided to ignore her.

"So, we'll use actual horses," I decided. "Great. Prepare the armies!" And so we did.

 **Rachel's Totally not Absolutely Irritating and OOC POV**

So I was totally at like CHB right? And then they they like totally decided to banish my Perceficilous! Like totally unfair, I couldn't believe it, they had banished my love. That's right, I was still in love with the shimmering, green eyed, dude meister.

I had never truly gotten over how his green, never described the same way twice eyes glistened in the morning sun. His windswept hair was my daily motivation to get through life. I was truly in debt to him for something that may never be mentioned, perhaps later for a plot twist or character motivation.

I hated that Annabitch, we had never gotten along, even after the Last Olympian, screw canon! I decided that I would make Annabitch pay for hurting my green savior, I would join the Forces of Evil™. Who cares if it stood against any and every of my moral values ever stated? I would get revenge for my dude meister in shining slinkies.

I sighed happily. By the end of this story, I would have a hot boyfriend. Plus, I had successfully created yet another plot line that needed to be resolved by the end of the story.

Well, time to prepare the armies.

 **The Outside World**

 _Not A Troll! was gasping for breath. Ann had been chasing them for several hours, and she was getting tired._

" _MarySue134, go on without me!" Not A Troll! declared in a selfless manner._

 _MarySue134 was not to be outdone. "I refuse! We're friends, right! Friends don't abandon friends!"_

" _But then we'll both die," Not A Troll! reminded her._ Why can't MarySue134 just let me come off as selfless and have my moment in the sun? _she wondered._

" _So we'll die," MarySue134 answered. "Let's just finish this story, okay? And go out in a blaze of glory."_

" _Fine. Keep writing."_

" _Where did you two ******* ******* ******* **** **** go?" Ann shrieked._

" _Now, that seemed excessive," Not A Troll! decided._

" _Were some of those bleeped out thingies even words?" MarySue134 asked._

" _We're getting off topic. Keep writing!"_

 _Not A Troll! nodded. "Okay." She slowly tapped out three words. "Prepare...the...a..r...m...i...i….-whoops! Backspace…"_

" _Gah!" Yelled MarySue134. "God! Let me do it!"_


	19. The Big Battle (Part 1)

_**OneBoot'sGurl- Gosh I LOVE OneBoot!**_

 _He hasn't even been introduced yet, calm yourself._

 _ **Totally Not Sophia: Why isn't this story moving faster?**_

 _Because we said so._

 _ **FandomsForeva: I feel like this story has some potential, but I'm really turned-off just by the fact that it's a Chaos-fic.**_

 _Then why are you here, loser muffin?_

OneBoot's Booting POV

Driving around, giving sweat and blood and tears, sitting on a bike...ah, the life of a pedicab driver.

"OneBoot! Head up!" Jack, the lead pedicab driver, commanded.

I really hated Jack. He was the one that had given LOLGuy, FailTree, PinkToe, NiceShirt, ShoeLace, HatHole, and SmileHate our stupid nicknames. But since he was the leader, no one thought to object until it was too late. I don't really know why we let Jack remain our leader, but there was just something about him...probably the fact that he wore sticks of dynamite as an accessory.

I pumped my legs even harder, straining as I tried to ferry my passengers to the top of Half-Blood Hill. Since there were no pegasi, us pedicab drivers had to act like pegasi. But people just didn't understand how hard it was to bike to the top of a steep hill while carrying something like 300 pounds of cargo. Frankly, I didn't understand how pedicabing had become a thing. I smiled morosely, thinking of how I had become a pedicab driver.

 _Flashback_

 _I was young...naive...a mere four years younger than I was now._

 _I was walking through my hometown of San Francisco one day when I saw a pedicab going past. As if in slow motion, the driver leapt off, screaming "I can't take it anymore!"_

 _I knew what I had to do. I jumped onto the place where the old driver had been. The family in the pedicab didn't even notice the change of drivers._

 _Unfortunately, I didn't understand how heavy it would be. The pedicab raced back down the hill. The impact killed me._

 _Later, I stood before the judges of the dead. Thomas Jefferson spoke up. "Darryl Jones, for your crime of extreme stupidity, you will be given a special punishment. You must work for the Army of Chaos."_

 _Because the impact had left me with only one boot, I was forever nicknamed OneBoot by Jack, and had to work under his leadership forever._

 _End Flashback_

Finally, we all made it to the top of the hill. "Ready?" I asked SmileHate.

SmileHate shrugged, looking to Jack. Jack grinned. "Charge!"

The force of momentum and gravity carried us down the hill and into the waiting ranks of the Forces of Evil™. They hadn't had time to arrange themselves before we smashed into them. A few of the quicker monsters raised their weapons and began attacking us.

A dracena swung her sword at me. I might not have been a demigod, but I knew the basics of fighting. I raised my shield and deflected it. The impact made a clunking sound and sent a shockwave up my arm with the force of it, but I was uninjured. I tried to fend the dracena off by wildly swinging with my sword, but I was missing her most of the time. And I had to keep one of my hands on the handlebars of my bike.

But from the back, the members of Psi Force that I was carrying finally made themselves useful. With a wild yell, a bald man with bushy eyebrows jumped up and slashed his sword forward, getting under the dracena's guard. She instantly vaporized.

But another monster took her place. Realizing the futility of what I was doing with myself, I lept off my pedicab and started fighting. I ducked a spear only to be faced with an oncoming knife. I hit the ground and did a kind of somersault, getting back up and stabbing the nearest monster in the back. Feeling pretty proud of myself, I kept stabbing, until

pain

PAIN

PAINPAINPAIN

I looked down and realized that there was a sword tip poking out of my stomach. I started feeling woozy. I almost wanted to die, it hurt so much. Could I die? I was already dead…

Things went black.

Percy's Being Unhelpful POV

Chaos, Chiron and I watched how the initial battle was going from the top of Half-Blood Hill. Spoiler Alert: things weren't going well. As awesome as our side was in our slinky armor, we were being massacred.

"I guess we should have had a plan, young hero," Chiron said to me. "And old hero," he added as an afterthought.

"Well, we have Delta and Omega forces left. And honestly, those sound so cool that we really shouldn't have any other forces. I mean, who wants to hear about Psi Force? That's a boring name," I insisted.

" **Plus, we can just resurrect them,"** Chaos added.

"Well, that's a dues ex machina, young hero," Chiron muttered, horse tail swishing back and forth in agitation.

"Shut up, Charon," I said.

"Did you just call me Charon, young hero?"

"Why are you calling me young hero?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

" **Guys! Look!"** Chaos suddenly yelled. He pointed out to the woods. I couldn't believe that we hadn't noticed it by now! There was a group of people waiting in the woods. There must have been around 10 of them. I didn't recognize any of them, despite the fact that I was about half a mile away and shouldn't have been able to see any of them. I could also tell that one of the girls had stunning chocolatey eyes. Aren't I awesome?

"Who are they?" I asked.

Chiron looked worried. "They're supposed to be dead!"

" **What do you mean they're supposed to be dead? Everyone in my army is supposed to be dead!"**

"We fed them all to the werewolf!"

There was a silence after his words. There was a lot to digest in that statement.

"We have a werewolf?" I finally asked.

" **You let campers get fed to a werewolf? That's bad leadership, even by my standards."**

" _Shut up!" Not A Troll! told MarySue134. "You're making logic come into this story. It doesn't matter that no one should let the kids they have responsibility for get fed to a werewolf. It sounds cool!"_

" _Fine!" MarySue134 gasped, exhausted and exasperated. "I'll try to fix it!"_

" _And write faster?"_

" _I AM WRITING PRETTY DAMN FAST YOU LOSER MUFFIN!"_

" _Just don't use punctuation. It's easier."_

" _Fine."_

"Chaos dude it doesn't matter werewolves are cool" I told Chaos

"Yeah totes" admitted Annabeth

"Whoa what are you doing here guuurrlll" I said

Annie Beth disappeared

"Let's just go and attack again" Chaos said "let's speed the story up kk?"

"R u sure that's a good idea" I asked

"No but I don't care"

"Cool"

" _No, use punctuation," Not A Troll winced. "This is awful. What are you even saying?"_

" _Oh, shut up!" MarySue134 admonished._

And so we attacked.

 _Silena's Totally Done With Baking POV_

The bake sale was finally over. We had earned enough money for bus tickets, but then we had discovered that the bus was gross. And slow. And annoying. So we had teleported there. Funny how we didn't think of that earlier, huh?

When we got there, we noticed that Vortex/Percy/Whatever was leading a charge. We joined them.

We raced down the hill in complete fury.

And I got shot in the head by an arrow.

"Charlie, I love you with a love that is more than love," I whispered as I faded away. "Never forget me, but perhaps fall in love again with someone who loves you, someone who can make you happy. I'm just happy that you're still alive. And that my Sticky Keyboard Syndrome went away. And glad that we got all of that stuff sold at the bake sale…"

Tonks' POV (Notice that there are no adjectives. Heh heh heh)

Silena continued talking.

"Do you think she's actually going to die?" I asked Lupin.

"Nah. I'll take her back to base to get her healed. It'll be okay."

"Cool."

I turned back to the fight and extended my arm. I felt warmth shoot down it, and something like an electric shock traveled out of my hand. It was slightly uncomfortable, but I was used to it. Boron flew out of nowhere in a concentrated chunk and smacked a monster in the head. He vaporized.

I continued using my hands to wield a block of boron. Ethan Nakamura hacked into a giant snake. Uncle Ferdinand was getting smacked around by some laestrygonians. I used my foot to send a blast of wind to save him. I was doing pretty awesomely.

But out of the corner of my eye, a monster raised her sword. I swung around, deflecting it with my boron. I drew my wand.

"Stupefy!" I yelled. Nothing happened. Cursing, I drew my sword. She thrust. I caught her blow on the edge of my blade and shoved her backwards. She came at me again, swinging at my head. I parried and sent a blow of my own at her leg. It made contact, but she didn't vaporize. Instead, gritting her teeth, she came back at me.

"No one hurts Rhea and gets away with it!" she shrieked, stabbing me in the stomach.

Things started to go black.

Was I dying again?

I was almost panicking. I wanted to see my son again. I wanted to see my husband. I wanted anyone, anyone here to help me.

Remus...I love you…

Percy's Getting it Together POV

Hack, stab, dodge, jump, kick...it all became muscle memory. I hacked through the ranks of monsters, killing them all.

But all around me, my comrades were falling. I had to end this. I had to find Hyperion.

Why Hyperion, you ask? Just because!

 **Only about 3 chapters to go! Was Percy acting too in-character?**


	20. The Big Battle (Part 2)

**LOLZOR: Haha u loser muffins you guys are loser muffins**

 _We're not loser muffins, dammit! Stop calling us loser muffins!_

 **Guest: I think that this is pretty good, but there are a few things you need to work on. PM me if you need help.**

 _You keep telling yourself that, you flamer._

 **Understandably Marilyn: Why are you taking time to answer reviews when there's a girl trying to kill you?**

 _...You keep telling yourself that._

 **Hyperion: U wanna fight bro?**

 _Fight me._

 **Chapter 20: A Dish Best Served Cold**

Seaweed's in Awe of Percy's Undergoing Character Development POV

Percy seemed to be undergoing character development, I was in awe. But if he was undergoing character development, was he still the same percy I loved so dearly? Wait, I love Percy? Could this obvious ship be becoming canon?

No, it couldn't be, the authoresses still need to crank out more chapters with sexual tension to keep the views up. Besides, Percy would be too busy fighting Hyperion to care about me, I was just a nobody, a loved main character, but a nobody. I would fight so my Precious and I had a future. Hehehe.

Rachel's Feeling Violent POV

I could sense that someone else was pursuing Percy's love, they must die a most painful death.

Percy's Almost In-Character POV

I hacked through waves of monsters, trying to make it to Hyperion. My Percy-Senses told me where he was. And where he was was in the command tent. It was red and gold, the colors of Gryffindor.

"Hyperion! Show yourself!" I roared, trying to get Hyperion to come out so that I could fight him.

And then my arm erupted in pain. "What the Hades?!" I screeched as I jumped backwards, in pain and doing the macarena.

"Dude, you really shouldn't announce yourself like that," my assailant suggested. I turned around. It was Hyperion.

"You do if you want to be awesome!" I countered.

Something smacked me on the back of the head. A boomerang hit the ground behind me. "What the actual ****?" I groused in a censored manner.

"You also should never turn your back on your enemy," Hyperion told me.

"Dude, I didn't have my back to you! You hit me with a boomerang!"

Hyperion was silent for a few moments. "You should never turn your back on your enemy," he repeated.

"What? What are you saying?!" I demanded.

Hyperion shrugged. "I don't even know," he said. "All I know is that I want revenge."

"For what? You're hardly awesome enough to warrant my non-loser muffin attention," I snapped.

"You turned me into a tree!"

"What are you talking about?"

Hyperion's face turned red with rage. His eyes glowed gold. Come to think of it, this did seem familiar. Perhaps in another life…

Suddenly, I realized what was going on. "You want Canon!Percy, not me," I said. "But he died a few chapters back. I think. Meh."

Hyperion groaned. "Gods! Now I have to switch universes." There was a popping noise, and he disappeared.

Pain exploded in my other arm. "Don't turn your back on your enemies, idiot," another guy said. I turned around. It was Hyperion. But not really…

"I'm WeirdUnderstudy!Hyperion!" the other guy said. "Call me WUH."

I didn't bother to deal with that weirdness. Instead, I attacked."

Lisa's Conquering POV

Adam's plan was foolproof! Camp was nearly abandoned. I felt a sick sense of pleasure as I wandered through the camp, remembering all of the good and bad things that had happened here, and knowing that all of my tormentors might be dead.

I stepped on a friendship garden. "Oh my god! Lisa!" Harriet gasped. Harriet was another werewolf.

"Sorry!" I gasped. "It was totally, like, not intentional."

"But...you ruined the friendship garden! They killed Jimmy for that!" Harriet said.

"Which is exactly why no one is going to get mad at Lisa for this," Adam spoke up.

I smiled thankfully at Adam.

"Sorry, Lisa," Harriet said.

"It's fine."

We went through the camp, securing all of the places and setting up guards.

But then, the moon came out.

"But it's the middle of the day!" Harriet howled. "Arooo!"

"Whateverrrrr...arrooooo!" I, too, exclaimed.

The painful transformation started happening. I hated it...I hated it...I wanted it to end…

And suddenly, it was over. And I was no longer in control of my actions.

The only thing that was left was the need to kill…..kill….killlllllllll….

" _Too many 'l's," MarySue134 complained._

" _Shut up and write!" Not A Troll! screeched beautifully._

Seaweed's Unexplained POV

I was getting desperate. How was I, a simple peice of Seaweed, supposed to fight off all of these monsters? It was impossible. We were all going to die. And I never even got to make out with Vortex! What horror!

But then, the skies above me opened up. It was-the gods!

Dues Ex Machina's Annoying POV

Heh heh heh.

Seaweed's Back Again POV

Zeus was riding a chariot drawn by the most majestic eagles ever to be found in California. Hera had her chariot pulled by hundreds of gigantic peacocks. Poseidon's chariot was drawn by seagulls. How did I see all of this from where I was standing?

I'll give you three guesses.

That's right. It doesn't matter.

Hephaestus had his chariot drawn by a pathetic-looking phoenix. Ares' chariot was drawn by humongous chickens. All of the other gods had fowl of some sort leading their chariots. The great goddess Oc was there too, riding a chariot drawn by the Mary Sues that could turn into birds.

And do you know why this was so awesome?

That's right. Giant bird droppings.

And suddenly, I was stabbed in the back.

How uncool.

Jerbluiiss POV (Do you remember who he is LOLZOR?)

I grinned as the wind hit my face, blowing my manly tresses back in the wind. I had successfully mustered all of the gods to war. And my own personal agenda (other than helping the manly Percy) was to find my son Breaddonius! That's right, that character you stopped caring about-actually, did you ever care about him?

Bob the baguette stroked my hair. "My love, I hope that we live through this."

"Yes. I hope that my son lives through this as well, darling."

Bob turned red with rage. "What the-you have a son?!"

"Why yes, my dear Bob! I thought I told you!"

"I THOUGHT I WAS YOUR ONE AND ONLY!"

"You are! Breaddonius's mother was just a fling!"

"I BET I'M JUST A FLING TOO, YOU LOSER MUFFIN!"

"Bob, be rational!"

"I'M A TALKING PIECE OF BREAD!"

And with that, Bob, jumped onto Hestia's chariot, sobbing profusely. "I thought you loved me, Jerbluiiss! I really did!" Hestia shook her head at me angrily. "Not cool."

But then I saw Breaddonius fighting away on the ground, and like any good father, I forgot about everything else and decided to help him. Quite nice of me, actually. Aren't I not a loser muffin?

I used my...bread powers...to kill every monster in the range. Once they were happily snacking on croissants, I talked to my son for the first time.

"Hey. What's up?"

Breaddonius looked at me suspiciously. "Who are you?"

"Luke, I am your father."

"You're a bad father if you think my name is Luke."

Hmm, it seems as though Breaddonius is experiencing teenage unfriendliness. Time for a break in all of the fighting that you actually want to see a family drama!

" _Why are you writing this?" Not A Troll! demanded. "You're making it sound almost parodical. That's not cool."_

 _MarySue134 pulled off her head (a la Mission Impossible) to reveal Ann underneath._

 _The screams were heard for miles around._

"No, I know that you're name's Breaddonius," I clarified. "Your mom told me.

Breaddonius glared even harder. "You let her name me Breaddonius? Do you know what an awful name that is?"

" _How did you get there?" Not A Troll! gasped. "Has it been you all along? Oh my god!"_

 _Ann smiled. "I'm everywhere."_

" _Shut up!" Not A Troll! screamed. "Believe it or not, MarySue134 was my friend! What have you done with her?"_

" _She's not dead," Ann reassured Not A Troll!. "I'm not that mean. Unlike you."_

"Whatever," I told Breaddonius. "Do you want to meet Bob? He's your soon-to-be-step baguette."

"What the-"

" _What do you mean I'm mean? I'm just writing fanfiction, you loser muffin!"_

" _Bad fanfiction," Ann clarified._

"Come on! Let's fight!" I told Breaddonius.

And so we did.

" _IT'S NOT BAD!" Not A Troll! desperately screamed, covering her ears. "Give back MarySue134!"_

" _Just come with me," Ann insisted. "I have a warrant and everything."_

" _I HATE YOU!" Not A Troll! yelled at the top of her lungs. She grabbed the computer and ran away._

~The following segment has been edited out because of its pure incomprehensibility~

Percy's Almost Done POV

WUH was nowhere near a good a fighting as I was. That was why I was bleeding from multiple places. I think that the blood looked very awesome against my slinky armor. I yanked a slinky off my armor and threw it delicately at WUH. It missed. WUH screamed. "Why would you do that?"

"Because I'm a manly man!" I said coquettishly.

"Still! Not cool!"

I laughed delicately and continued fighting WUH. I was totally winning...but then I heard the scream. The most green, beautiful scream in the world.

Seaweed.

My love was dying.

But was she truly my love? I had been dating so many other people...Blackjack...Sparkle...Thalia...all were perhaps more worthy of my incredibly desired love.

Then I realized, I loved her. I loved the most green, brown, piece of seaweed in the world. It didn't matter what happened. I would always love her. I got to work on killing WUH. I thrust my sword through his chest, obliterating WUH's heart. WUH kept fighting. I cut off his arm.

"It's only a flesh wound!"

"Dude, you're almost dead."

He kicked me. I cut off his leg. Now he was only half a person, with a full head.

"It's still only a flesh wound, loser muffin!"

I beat WUH to death using my own head. I didn't like it when people called me loser muffin.

Then I went and killed the monster that Seaweed was fighting. "I heard you scream, my love," I told her.

"I didn't scream," she clarified. "That was Shimmer."

"Oh. But I thought-"

"Eh. It's the thought that counts, right my Percy-poo?"

"Yes! A thousand times yes!"

We made out.

All around us, I used my powers as the god of Awesomeness and Cats to defeat everything else. And so the day was saved.

" _Please stop running," Ann sighed. "It's annoying. I promise that my organization won't hurt you. We just want to take down this story."_

" _No! It's mine!" Not A Troll! wailed like a preschooler. "Just one more chapter!" She didn't wait for an answer. Instead, she threw a piece of pavement at Ann's head. Ann ducked, and now she looked very angry. Not A Troll! gulped and ran away._ I'll barricade myself in an alley, _she decided._

It wasn't over yet…

 **Real AN: We have two more chapters to go. Please bear with us. As always, thanks for reading.**


	21. A Dish Best Served Cold

**I Am Awesome: That was a weird ending.**

 _In what way? *Laughs* You keep telling yourself that._

 **MarySuesRock: Yay are Persy and seawed finally togehter?**

 _We'll never tell!_

 **TOTESNOTAMARYSUE420: Yay! You wrote my request!**

 _You're welcome._

Percy's Totes In Love POV

Seaweed and I were as happy as two people could possibly be, especially if one of the people was a piece of seaweed. What do you mean that I couldn't call us two people in love, who cares? We decided to head back to camp with everyone else.

"I think y'all are so durn cute!" Zeus thundered to me and Seaweed. Didn't he hate us up until a few hours ago? Oh well.

"I know!" Seaweed squealed back to him. I chuckled at the antics of my one and only. I couldn't wait to get married, which was a reasonable next step to just getting together. We had known each other for over a week, everyone could tell that we were in love, and after all, and it was high time that we tied the knot forever.

We crossed the crest (whew! alliteration!) of Half-Blood Hill. I was ready for the view of green grass and strawberry fields, so I wasn't prepared to see a bunch of werewolves.

There were screams from all around.

"But we only had one werewolf!" A girl shrieked. I recalled that they fed some people to a werewolf. But what could the connection possibly be?

"I understand!" An intelligent young boy said. "The werewolf didn't kill anyone! He just turned them into his werewolf army!"

"Well, that's not nearly as threatening as a zombie army," Beckendorf decided.

"Why?" Remus asked. "I think that they're both awful."

"But zombies are, like, dead and stuff."

Dead and Stuff! What a great band name for my new band! That's right, I was starting a rock band. We would tour the world, no that totally wouldn't bring unnecessary attention to me from monsters and people that would want to kill me.

"I guess that the idea of zombies also brings up existential fears of death and makes us remember that in a hundred years, we will be dead and look like the zombies. The werewolves are a lesser degree of the unknown," Nyssa decided.

We stoned her to death. "Enough talk! More killing!" I declared to universal cheers.

"We want our camp back!" Harley screeched in an adorable manner (since he was only 10, he was our mascot).

Together, we charged the werewolf army.

They charged at us.

We charged at them.

They charged at us.

Their teeth looked disgustingly non-white. Their blue fur shone in the purple sunlight. I was ready.

Then, five feet away from them, both of our armies stopped.

It wasn't intentional. We were frozen in time. I knew this somehow.

"Kronos!" Ares bellowed.

"No, it's not Kronos," Aphrodite said. "We'd know if it was Kronos. Our senses would tell us."

" **Daniel Beeter!"** Chaos declared, freaking out. " **Percy, I thought you killed him!"**

"I did!"

" **You obviously didn't!"**

"Why won't you believe me?"

" **You're just an alpaca ferret!"**

What? There were sounds of confusion. Chaos paled. " **Sorry. I meant loser muffin."**

I shook my head. "Whatever! What's going on?"

"How are we talking, anyway? Aren't we frozen?" Athena asked.

"It's me."

Out of a swirling tornado of sand, a figure rose. He had one normal hand with two rings on it, and one crab claw. His hair was a lovely shade of green-black that almost reminded me of...Seaweed's. I realized in horror that this human figure looked like everyone's favorite piece of Seaweed.

"Daddy," Seaweed whispered, horrified.

"Daddy?" I asked her, stroking her...hair? I'm honestly not sure, Seaweed's never been described in enough detail for me to know.

 _Why am I having so many twists and turns? Not A Troll! wondered. I need to finish this! I can't write another battle scene…_

 _And suddenly, it came to her._

"You can't marry my darling girl," Seaweed's father declared.

"Daddy, no!" Seaweed whined. "I wanna marry Percy!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"NO!"

We all jumped. Who knew that someone could pack so much anger into two caps-locked letters?

"Fine. I'll win Seaweed's hand from you," I said.

"Isn't that how you and Annabeth broke up in the first place?" someone asked.

"No. Different trope," I answered.

Seaweed's father laughed. "Well, I have the perfect challenge."

The ground rumbled again. I suddenly became very unsettled.

Seaweed's father smirked. "You will play me in a game of Revenge."

"What is Revenge?"

"What is Revenge, you ask?" Seaweed's father interrupted. "It's like dodgeball. But when you get someone out, all of the people that they got out come back in."

"Why don't we kill two birds with one stone and play the werewolves, too?" someone else asked.

Diabolical laughter came from Seaweed's father. "Excellent! Muahahahahahahahahah!"

"A bit excessive, don't you think?" Seaweed whispered to me.

"-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha-"

"Okay, seriously," I grumbled.

"-AH HAHHHHAHHAHAHAHHAAHA"

"Sir!" a man with a top hat said. "I'm going to have to ask you to stop."

"Fine!" Seaweed's father roared.

And so we started our game of Revenge.

Right off the bat, a werewolf got me out. I grumbled but went to stand on the sidelines, joining Tonks. But within ten minutes, that werewolf was hit out. I went back in, as did Silena and Clovis, who was soon knocked out again. I threw dodgeballs with such precision and speed that they broke the sound barrier, that knocked out ten of Seaweed's father's cronies all at once. Yes Seaweed's father had cronies, they were there, despite being never mentioned before. They were giant fish, but instead of having fins, they had body builder arms and legs. Seaweed's father's cronies went to the side lines.

"Stop saying Seaweed's father! It's too long and annoying to read, instead call me Algue, it'll save the readers time." I knew that meant seaweed in French, suddenly that one time I had briefly spoken French a few chapters ago suddenly had some relevance. I only knew French because a certain someone had always insisted that I learn it, the truth was… Bob was actually my long lost brother. We had been so close when we were young, but one day Bob got in an accident and got amnesia, he had forgotten me. Heart broken, I had left him in Jerbluiiss's care, hoping one day he would remember me.

I was so lost in my tragic past that I didn't notice the ball whizzing towards me. Suddenly, there was a loud pop and I flinched, but something stopped the hit. It was Bob! He had apparated in front of me to stop the blow. Tragically, he had been mortally wounded, I could tell that these would be our last moments together.

"But why Bob?!" I asked failing to hold back a sob.

"Because I love you brother." Bob replied, his voice starting to fade.

"You remember?" I asked.

"Of course, I remembered about an hour ago, I knew the only way I could redeem myself for forgetting you would be by saving you." He answered, as he said that, the light in his eyes faded.

"Bob, no!" I screeched in agony, tears began to fall. Tears reached the edge of my face and fell on Bob's corpse, but suddenly something changed. As the tears reached Bob's crust, they began to be absorbed, suddenly Bob began to glow! The whole room lit up with a bright light, and Bob's body began to float up in the air, I tried to reach up and grab him, desperate to not loose him, but my efforts were in vain. Suddenly I heard a voice from above.

"I have been so touched by your example of love most pure, in return I will return the gift of life to your recently departed brother." The light left just as quickly as it appeared. Soon the color returned to Bob's cheeks and he set up. I pulled him into a hug and he smiled.

"I'm back brother." He said quietly. I looked up to realise the other teams were staring at us, coughing awkwardly. I got Bob out of harm's way, and nodded to continue the game. I was fighting with renewed vigor, after all, I had both Seaweed and my Brother's love on my side, with that I was invincible.

But suddenly, I was once again hit. I groaned in indignation and went back to the sidelines. And everyone on the other team came back in! Yes, I had gotten all of them out! How unfair!

"Jailbreak!" the deus ex machina yelled.

And so it went on. I went and out several hundred more times. I loved and laughed and lied. Jerbluiiss and Bob took a small break to get married.

"Bob, I love you!" Jerbluiiss exclaimed. "Your near-death experience made me realize it! I can never let you go again!"

"I will be your baguette forever," Bob promised. I cheered. Zeus started to sob again. "So beautiful, ya'll!" I nodded in agreement.

"Whatever," Breaddonius deadpanned, looking bored.

We kept playing dodgeball. I got out, and stayed on the sidelines for several hundred years.

Days came and went like clockwork. It turned out that Revenge was a bad game to play, since it could last forever. There were times when it was down to only one player per team. But they always hit someone pivotal. No one was ever out for more than a millennium.

Societies came and went. We kept playing dodgeball. We had somehow all become immortal, even the werewolves. With the changing of the moon, they would turn human and then back again into werewolves. A few people got married and settled down with kids. While still playing dodgeball. Somehow. But through all this time, I never was able to marry my lovely Seaweed. How annoying!

Finally, the sun went supernova. All other human life had ended. But we were still playing Revenge.

" **Well, damn** ," said Chaos. " **We just wasted the entirety of the earth's life on a game of Revenge dodgeball."**

"I feel like that's kind of pathetic, but whatever," Silena said. "Let's keep playing!"

But sadly, we could not keep playing! For we all died.

Just kidding.

Instead, Chaos took us all back in time to five minutes after the big battle had ended, and we played Revenge again.

And again.

And again.

And finally, Algue called it quits. "I can't take it anymore! This is the stupidest game ever!" he screamed in agony. "You can have her! You can have Seaweed! Just make it stop!"

Seaweed and I were going to be married! Hooray! We jumped for joy and danced around and recited Jabberwocky like normal people.

Unfortunately, the werewolves took their opportunity to attack.

"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?" Annabeth screamed.

"We're tired of being used and abused!" one werewolf said.

"We want our home back!"

"Take it!" I offered.

"PERCY, SHUT UP!" said everyone else.

"Fine! Let's all just die then," I pointed out using my manly logical skills.

"We could just fight…" someone offered.

"I hate you! Of course we can't fight!" I countered maturely.

We ended up fighting. "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?" I screeched like a banshee. "Why can't we all just be friends?"

"That wouldn't be as cool," Seaweed answered. "I need coolness in my life."

She was right. So I used my powers as the god of Awesomeness and Cats to stop the fighting in a most anticlimactic way. Aren't I amazing, disappointing all of the readers like that?

 _Not A Troll! was too tired from writing and running to even concentrate on how stupid the chapter had been. She thought that she had lost Ann, but now she was hidden in an apartment that was dark and creepy. Not A Troll! just wanted to go home, but that wasn't an option._

' _One more chapter,' she thought to herself. 'Then I'll turn myself in.'_

 **Wow. We only have one more chapter to go. Happy New Year, everyone!**


	22. Rutabaga Passion

Chapter the Final: Rutabaga Passion

 _No one's POV, silly!_

The authoresses were captured by Ann. They both had their computing privileges revoked for 3.123575 Cardassian Jorblecks. They allowed the Deus Ex Machina to finish telling the story in exactly the way that it happened.

John and Marc Douchebag mysteriously disappeared, along with Jonah. They ended up in the real world, where they were able to be happy. John appreciated his second chance at life. Jonah marveled at the set rules and all of the logic. Marc married Lina Evans, his steady girlfriend. They named their daughters Petunia and Lily. Lily went on to marry a man named James, and their son was named Harry. Harry was a hero to a niche group of people, the lawyers. He's not Harry Potter the wizard, silly, that's a whole different time!

Sparkle the Mary Sue ended up married to Shimmer, just because. There was literally no reason for it. They just couldn't find any suitable Gary Stus. They somehow had a child, and adopted 19.45 others. Somehow. Eh, it's the deus ex machina.

Annabeth ended up being very unhappy in life, because she was blonde, dammit! and her only goal in life was to marry Percy and kill her stepmother. Once it became obvious that neither of those options were viable, she started The Real Housewives of Camp Half-Blood, which got high ratings but was eclipsed by a new show called The Hunger Games.

And Percy and Seaweed, you ask? What happened to our _lolsparkly awesomlicious_ couple?

Well, they got married, of course! You silly little reader, not able to take the giant hints that were presented throughout the whole story!

Seaweed wore a dress of the purest white, or perhaps it was a blue that brought out the color of her, em, seaweed. Percy wore jean shorts over a pair of leggings, with a purple and blue striped shirt top. His shoes were the finest laundry baskets that could have been found.

After the wedding, they rode off in a carriage like the pumpkin one in Cinderella, only it was more of a squash because that's what Seaweed's fairy godmother turned it into, and pumpkins are only meant for Halloween anyway and _god, they're so orange_ -whoops, are you still here?

Anyway, they rode off in a beautiful carriage to a little house hidden in the shadow of the hill. Or maybe it was at the top of a hill. Or was it a mansion? Eh, just insert whatever fantasy _you_ have. After all, who wouldn't want to be with the ever-wonderful Percy Dudemeister Jackson/Seaweed Alguedaughter?

Shut up. Just shut up.

They beautiful dirt road was lined with the headless corpses of anyone who had ever annoyed them, ever. The sky was a beautiful sunset that had cloud formations shaped like the heads of the Winchesters from Supernatural, because...reasons. Seaweed's bridal veil was held off of the dusty road by the loveliest of mosquitos.

Percy held his beloved in his arms. He was ready for the next chapter, the next great adventure of his life to begin. What a wonderful world it was!

"Seaweed," Percy whispered.

"Yes, my delightful Percy-pie." Seaweed wondered what Percy was going to say to her. Would he say that he was pregnant? That he needed to go kill someone? That he loved her?

"Seaweed."

"Yes, beautiful Dudemeister."

"Oh, Seaweed-"

"What is it, oh Percy?"

And yes, what amazing words would Percy express? They were sure to be beautiful, momentous, able to be quoted to everyone's children for years and generations to come, because Percy was Awesome.

…

…

…

"Seaweed?"

"Percy?"

" _I like cats."_

XXXXX

 **Holy Seaweed. This story is finally over. I'm actually kind of emotional right now. I feel like it's been so long since we started this. Thank you to anyone that read this, and anyone that reviewed. Everyone have a great year!**


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